Monday, December 26, 2005

coming soon to a blog near you...

harvey the wonder dog.

stay tuned...

Saturday, December 03, 2005

when?

when do you say enough is enough? that you're tired of the lack of calls? that you're tired of your phone calls not being returned? that you're tired of it taking well into the next day for the plain and simple acknowledgement of YOUR phone call that went unanswered? long distance relationships are a bitch in the first place...when the phone is , temporarily, all you have, you either use it or get stuck in a place like this one.

(yes, guy, i can hear you laughing and i can hear you saying something about karma being a bitch...and it is.)

when, exactly, do you say i'm done?

i'll tell you now - i'm done.

...and work isn't getting any better, either.

BUT I'M STILL FRIGGIN' SMILING!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

:o)

Your Brain's Pattern
Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.
What Pattern Is Your Brain?

my constant reminder

i proudly wear this ring. not as a fashion statement, and not to broadcast my faith to the world. i wear this ring to constantly remind myself of who i am and of the path that i have chosen for both my daughter and me. it keeps me grounded and lets me know that i will be ok.

tell me about what keeps you grounded and centered...

Friday, November 25, 2005

fighting for

its been a hectic month. things have changed at my office, and not for the better. i'm hanging in - waiting for it to get better. but there's a limit to my patience - i'm being "courted" by another physician group. if the money's right, i think i'll go. this place where i'm working now is just flat out ridiculous.

i started a relationship with a wonderful man who is very VERY far away. its hard. and, at times, its really not even that pleasant. i don't know where this is going - if anywhere. we just can't seem to get it together. patience is not a virtue that i posess.

i will be thirty *gasp* in less than a month. i'm a thirty-year-old divorcee'. i'm a single mom. i, physically, am dating no one. i even have a friggin cat. this is NOT how my life was supposed to turn out.

sorry to be such a downer, you guys...its just where i'm at right now. i think i've lost sight of what i'm supposed to be fighting for.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

here i am

The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

well...

i wish i had a river i could skate away on.

more when i'm ... me again.

~b

Saturday, November 05, 2005

update

no...i'm not dead. just been really busy. i'll write more on sunday...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

i just *had* to share

Monday, October 10, 2005

is it over yet?

i have a heavy heart.

a few weeks ago would have been my tenth wedding anniversary. but i didn't make it that far. on a sunny day in july, just hours before my grandmother died, my husband left me. in a phone call. from more than a thousand miles away. then he left the country for six months.

at that time, more than five years ago, i'm sad to say that failure wasn't out of the ordinary for me. i felt like a failure more days of my life than i care to mention. as a mother, as a wife, a friend, a daughter. when i was hit with the cold sting of his goodbye, my world fell apart. i not only had to grieve the loss of my grandmother, i had to face the loss of my marriage - my life. i was 24 years old. still a child, really. my life fell apart and the walls went up. i began to self destruct. i drank more than any person should be allowed. smoked more than any person should be allowed. anything i could think of to numb the pain, even just a little, so that i wouldn't feel so excrutiatingly empty. i remember sitting in my mother's bathroom sobbing with a towel over my face so no one could hear me. i was angry at the world. angry at myself. angry at god. angry at anyone and everyone who would listen. but the words just wouldn't come out.

some days, i'm still angry. some days, i still feel that emptiness inside. some days, i still feel like if i had done just one thing different, then my life wouldn't have turned out this way. but then...i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i think i'm stronger. bolder. more confident. and i have such wonderful things in my life. when i hear his voice, i don't get twisted up inside. when i see him, i no longer cry. i no longer wish for what might have been. i don't ache.

and i wonder - is it over yet?

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

woot!

i've been put on someone's 'blogs i like to read' list!!!!!

thank you, sassy!!! if i knew how to make a list, i'd put you on it! (and you, too, jen, fred and robin!)

i'm a happy girl!

road rage barbie

is what i have become. traffic is not my friend. if you come over into my lane, i'm going to yell at you. if you don't use your blinker, i'm going to yell at you. if you cut me off, i'm going to yell at you. if you ride my bumper, i'm gonna yell even louder AND give you the bird. i think i need to take some anger management classes. or there's a whole lot of idiots on the road and they need to go back to driver's ed.

Friday, September 23, 2005

scenes from an aircraft

*to the single dad on my right - yes, i will accompany your daughter to the restroom when we land. no, you may not have my phone number.

*to the gentleman on my left wearing a thumb ring, a pink plastic breast cancer awareness bracelet and carrying a (very nice) leather "man bag" - you can talk about your "girlfriend" all you want, but NO ONE believes you. (especially with THAT lisp)

*to the lady wandering around trying to match a seat number with your boarding pass - we're flying on SOUTHWEST. duh.

*to the lady wearing a long-sleeved pull over sweater and capri pants - WTF??? you'll cover your arms all the way but not your legs? do i have to give the 'make a decision' speech again? you obviously don't read my blog.

i hate flying.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

adios!

i'm leavin' on a jet plane - don't know when i'll be back again...

just kidding - i do know. i'm travelling the next few days for work - y'all be good.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

sit back and soak THIS up!

i'll wait a second for you to go find a chair...

life is good. almost great.

i'm going to a wedding reception this weekend...stay tuned for 'scenes from a wedding'. (fred, i'm sure it will be at least as entertaining as my trip to the mall, if not better!)

kisses to you all...

Sunday, September 11, 2005

i will never forget

september 11, 2001

i was in my car on my way to work. i was listening to kidd kraddick - jennifer paige was singing her new single. i stayed in the car long enough to hear her finish, and then headed to my office.

five minutes later, the world stopped.

unimaginable terror swept through me. would we be safe? i worked in an office building - would they come after us, too? no one knew at that time how many planes in the air had been hijacked. would my daughter, in school across town, be safe? our world wouldn't ever be the same.

fast forward a few days...

they're showing video that people took from the center of all of the chaos. most people are focusing on the ashes and destroyed buildings. the only thing i can focus on is the high pitched alarms going on in the background. i started in medicine as an emt. i worked for two fire departments. the sirens are pass (personal alert safety system) alarms. when a firefighter doesn't move for thirty seconds, the pass alarm is activated, and it emits that sound so that others can find him. it knew that many of my fellow brothers and sisters were lying in that rubble. those sounds will haunt me for life.

i pray that you all never forget the striking sounds and images from that day. i pray that you all recognize that civil servants are just as deserving of our honor and respect as the soldiers that serve our country. and i pray that you all are humbled by the thoughts of all of the families that were left behind.

god bless america - my home sweet home.

Friday, September 09, 2005

i surrender

"so you lit her cigarette? you're feelin' pretty good?
you think you've got a shot? most girls, you probably would...
yeah this is that kind of place, but she ain't that kind of girl
you're readin' it all wrong...let me tell you about her...
she only smokes when she drinks; she only drinks now and then...
now and then when she's tired of being let down by men
you can give her a light, but it's not what you think
everybody knows she only drinks alone, and she only smokes when she drinks

did you ask her to dance? let me guess, she told you no
got to take her some place quiet and see how far that goes
oh, don't take it all that hard when she smiles and turns you down
for a complicated girl, she ain't that hard to figure out
she only smokes when she drinks; she only drinks now and then...
now and then when she's tired of being let down by men
you can give her a light, but it's not what you think
everybody knows she only drinks alone, and she only smokes when she drinks"

i've got beer...anybody got a cigarette?

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

lend a hand

i spent a lot of this holiday weekend volunteering. i thought i would just be giving of my time. but it turned out to be so very much more than that. i gave more of myself than i thought possible, really. my time, my heart, my soul, my every emotion, my tears...my shoulder. these people...these men, women, and children...were unbelievable. Resilient. Stoic. heartbroken. oh...i was so moved.

i started saturday at a medical clinic. we saw a two week old baby with a very high fever, diarrhea, you name it...poor baby. she's in the hospital now. i'm going to see her today. we saw person after person after person that didn't have their meds...along with cuts, bruises, more than a few black eyes...and such sadness. so very much sadness.

then saturday evening i was at a church that opened their family life center to serve as a shelter. we accepted busses full of refugees from the superdome. first, let me say that i have never smelled anything like that in my medical career...i thought i had seen it and smelled it all. boy, was i wrong. the majority of them are shell-shocked, some staring off into space, some weeping...some hugging us...and i tell you i received more 'bless yous' than when i sneeze in church! so many have been separated from their loved ones, craving any piece of information that you can give them. it just broke my heart. and the children? i can't go there...

now i'm going to get on my soapbox for a second. i have read and watched and heard so many people pointing fingers, shifting blame, bitching, complaining...and i've had enough. we can't go back and fix it now. but we can move ahead and let the axes fall where they may. instead, expend your energy getting out and doing something - ANYTHING - for these people who need our help and support so desperately. show your disdain for all those involved at the polls. show your support for the people in the shelters, in the churches, anywhere you can find them. and take some donations to your local animal shelter, as well. people weren't the only ones displaced.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

zoiks!

i've been listening and reading about the hurricane...at this stage, there's no way to avoid it.

i lost everything i owned in 1999 thanks to hurricane floyd. but we were ok - we had family and friends and we took care of each other and, eventually, came out ok. so many of these people don't have that. i feel sorry...and i pray.

however...i heard something on the radio this morning that made me sit up in bed and cry. these people, in the coming days, will have to worry about death, disease, and ... alligators.

holy moly! that hadn't even occurred to me.

to all of the people on the east coast suffering from the after-effects of hurricane katrina - i lift you up in prayer. and i donate all of my extra money to the red cross.

for those of you reading this - please do the same.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

love lost

i have a half-brother. we have the same father. and i use that term loosely.

we didn't grow up together because we were raised by our respective mothers. but when we spent time together, which was usually every other weekend, we dug each other. i mean, he's my kid brother! we used to have wrestling matches with our dad...back when kerry von erich and the rest of the von erich family were cool. we even had our own wrestling names.

his life wasn't that easy - his mom was a little off, you know the story ... blah blah blah. his mother died a couple of years ago from lung cancer. he got married. he and his wife had a baby...i missed it all, because over the years, we've spent less and less time in the vicinity of each other. our grandfather died a little over a year ago. he sat next to me at the funeral...he laid his head on my shoulder, and he cried in my arms. the first time i've ever actually been there for him when he needed me...and as silly as that sounds, i cherish that.

i have a nephew running around out there that i haven't seen in years.

so today, i was in the car at a stoplight. and he turned right in front of me. my sweet baby brother...blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes. i knew him instantly. he was on his phone. i honked...he didn't notice. i don't know how to find him - i'm not close to that side of my family.

i've lost my brother.

i miss you, bruiser.

Monday, August 22, 2005

here's your sign...or...scene from parent teacher night

teacher ' so, does anyone have any questions? '

dad ' if i want to bring my daughter early to eat breakfast in the cafeteria, do i need to come in to monitor her, or will there be people in there to watch her? '

teacher ' no no there's always people in the cafeteria watching the kids, no matter what time of day it is. we NEVER leave the children unattended. even if i have to go to the bathroom for a second, i still have to get the teacher across the hall to watch the kids '

me, in my head ' jeez, genious, do you think the kids go into the cafeteria and make sausage and eggs all by themselves with no help? i can see my daughter and your daughter both behind the counter with little chef's hats on scrambling up the eggs...and i can hear flo yell 'two eggs over easy and make it quick, mel...and kiss my grits!'.

here's your sign, buddy.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

scenes from a mall

* tan face, white white legs. (ladies, if you're going to wear bronzer on your face...please take note that it only makes you look tan if the REST of you is tan).

* a wrap skort on a 40-ish year old woman. (ladies, come on now. we're old enough to not have to worry about little boys looking up our skirts when we're sliding down the slide. i know that, inherently, it is difficult to make decisions, but really...its easy. a skirt or shorts...PICK ONE!! that's like the trend i've seen with women wearing a dress...AND PANTS. sheesh...pick one!)

* flip flops...that cover the length of the foot...but with toes hanging over the edge. ummm...need i say more??

* a very pretty lady looking around to see if anyone heard her fart. yep, i heard ya.

* capri pants, sandals...and pantyhose. HELLO!! its 100 degrees outside...are you nuts??

...and my "get involved in the community" deed for the week...

* a lady got irritated with her kid, which couldn't have been older than four. we were in the shoe department of dillard's, which is right by the entrance/exit. she walked away from her kid, to the register, turned her back, and ignored the poor little girl...for a good two or three minutes. that kid could have been gone in seconds, out the door either on her own or with a kidnapper. thank goodness a security guard happened to be walking by. i had a little chat with him, and he had a wonderful little chat with her. as i was leaving, i saw a fort worth police officer pull up. don't neglect your kids when i'm around...i had a guy arrested in VA for leaving his sleeping daughter in the car. moron.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

stay tuned...

the best is yet to come...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

people...write this down...

superglue effing ROCKS!!!

that is all...as you were.


addendum...NO I WASN'T SNIFFING IT!!!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

i'm just so full of questions and observations

hi.

i'm forever identifying with the things that other people say and write, as if they were looking into my soul and writing about what they witnessed.

"when i say that i don't care, it really means my engine's breaking down
the chisel chips my heart again, the granite cracks beneath my skin
i crumble into pieces on the ground"

i've said to people that i don't care. i think i say it all the time. but i really do care...i'm just shutting down on the inside, trying not to care...trying not to hurt. why is it that the older we get, the more love seems to be a game, and not a mission? does that even make sense to anyone else but me??


"these independent moves i make, this confidence i try to fake
you can hear the beating of my heart, but not a feather falling in the dark
and everything i hear never makes sense - another old prophet perched on the fence, a cupful of pencils and a self-help guru don't answer the question of what i am to you
how come birds don't fall from the sky when they die?
how come birds always look for a quiet place to hide?
these words can't explain what i feel inside...like birds, i need a quiet place to hide"

birds always know when something is about to happen - when they are sick and getting ready to die. they go find somewhere quiet and out of the way, and they just slip away. recently, a part of me has been dying, and rather than going to a quiet place and just letting it go, i've been fighting like hell to save it. it isn't getting me anywhere...so now i think i'll just go find a quiet place and let it go. at some point, you have to start over. i guess that time is now. but "i don't fear being touched...i fear being let go". again...am i making any sense?

however...while i was writing this, a glimmer of hope showed up on my screen. this will be interesting...or its just more evidence that i'm really losing my mind...

kelly clarkson said it best...i'm a beautiful disaster.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

*sigh*

you know that song lyric 'the first cut is the deepest'?

its a big fat lie.

every cut is just as bad as the first, if not worse. its like pouring salt into an open wound.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

so...yeah...i have a question

everyone i know is posting pics of themselves and their kids on their blogs...should i post mine??

Monday, July 18, 2005

pics, part 2



this gentleman hadn't seen his son...ever. and this is his sweet little wife...he was one of the last ones off the plane!!

pics of the flight






i wrote a few weeks ago about a flight of troops coming home ... here ya go!

Monday, July 11, 2005

five years ago today

"saw a man in the movies that didn't have a heart
how i wish i could give him mine
then i wouldnt have to feel it breaking all apart, and this emptiness inside would suit me fine

its times like these i wish i were the tin man
you could hurt me all you wanted...i'd never even know
i'd give anything just to be the tin man...
i wouldn't have a heart, and i wouldn't need a soul

i couldn't see your leaving coming, it took me by surprise
even now, still seems like a dream
but i know i cant be dreaming cuz as i lay down each night, the pain's so great that it won't let me sleep

its times like these i wish i were the tin man
you could hurt me all you wanted...i'd never even know
well i'd give anything just to be the tin man
i wouldn't have a heart, and i wouldn't need a soul
i'd give anything just to be the tin man
i wouldnt have a heart
and i wouldn't miss you so "

it still feels like it just happened...all of it. sometimes i still wonder how i came through it and made it to the other side.

i think of you every day. i miss you every day. and i can't wait until the day that i can see you again.

i love you ... and i thank you for everything you taught me. your great-granddaughter is getting bigger every day, and is becoming quite the young lady. thank you for giving me the tools to bring her up the right way.

again - i love you. and i miss you.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

remember our conversations and read between the lines

its very rare that i mention names here, because for the most part, i like to remain anonymous. only a few people that actually know me have this web address, and i like it that way. i've used this as a forum, however, to communicate things that i have found difficult to address in real life. i tend to be a better writer than speaker, and at times, i have used the words of other people to get my point across. this is no exception...and to the person this is for - you know who you are. we talked about this very thing in a conversation a couple of nights ago. i can't sleep, i've had this song on my mind all day, and i hope my mind will stop spinning once i get this out.

"i hope it’s not too late to call, i couldn’t wait a moment more
i don’t know what else to do, i need to ask a favor...
check behind each of your doors, search throughout your rooms and halls
secret corners, look there too...i think i left my heart with you
don’t forget to remember, cuz you’re always on my mind...
i don’t care if i’ve lost my heart this time
if you find it, keep it safe - wrapped within your warm embrace
i could be wrong, that’s nothing new...but i think i left my heart with you
don’t forget to remember, cuz you’re always on my mind...
i don’t care if I’ve lost my heart this time
i’m not beggin’ but …maybe you could be so kind to make a home for this heart of mine
maybe i could live there too...i think i left my heart with you
think i left my heart...i think i left my heart with you"

i don't think it, i know it, though. and i'm fairly sure that i don't want it back, no matter how difficult, no matter how long it takes.

~b

Thursday, June 30, 2005

to the a**holes that live above me

hello. my name is brandi. i'm the short chick with the dark hair that has repeatedly had to BANG ON YOUR DOOR at 3 am. its funny, i know you're there because i can hear you, and you wake my daughter up, but you NEVER ANSWER THE FRIGGIN DOOR! here's your final notice...i *do not* want to hear you banging around in your laundry room at 6:30 am. i *do not* want to hear your fat dog running around in circles in your apartment. i *do not* want to hear your loud entries into your apartment at 3am after an evening out. i *do not* want to hear you open your sliding glass door a million times after 9pm. i *do not* want to hear said dog barking and howling after 9pm...i *am* a hunter, i *do* know how to use a firearm, and i am *always* looking for target practice. beagles are perfect for said target practice. i *do not* want to hear you slam your front door EVER AGAIN. furthermore, i have a SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. i am a SINGLE PARENT, which means that at the end of the day, i am exhausted and at the end of my rope. excessive noise when i'm trying to sleep is likely to send me over the edge. here's your final notice - i HAVE COMPLAINED to the management. the next knock on your door will NOT be me...it will be the HURST POLICE DEPARTMENT. and they are NOT nice people - haven't you seen how many tickets they write at the end of the month?

there...i feel better. thanks, friends, for indulging my rant. i just had to get that off my chest. and please excuse my language...i'm usually not that profane.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

the sting of a grateful american

hi.

i had the most amazing opportunity this morning, and i have to share it.

i live in hurst, which is a suburb of fort worth. i live 15 minutes from d/fw international airport. there are flights arriving daily from kuwait city - they're called r&r flights - of soldiers coming home from the war. i went today to support, to cheer, and to thank these wonderful men and women for fighting in this war, and every war that came before. i will never ever forget the looks of these awesome heroes walking off of that airplane, hugging us, shaking our hands, accepting our thanks. they deserve so very much more than that. i even saw lots of tears (some of which were my own).

i was so proud to be standing amongst such fine americans. i heard lots of 'welcome home, soldier', 'thank you for your hard work, ma'am', 'god bless you', 'good job', and several 'let me help you with that heavy load you've got there's. i've said this before, and i'll say it again. i implore you to shake the hand of someone - anyone - that you see in a uniform, whether it be civil service or military, and thank them for all that they do. i know this may not be a war that everyone agrees with, but those men and women deserve our support and thanks just the same.

greeting these flights will now be something that i do often. if you live around here, or you are ever in the area, give me a shout and i'll tell you how to get the incoming flight information - they do come in every day. i'm looking forward to independence day...that's where i'll be.

the palms of my hands still sting from all of the clapping - and i am grateful.

Friday, June 24, 2005

holy moses!

ok, i whined about the financial planning seminar yesterday, but believe it or not, i actually learned some valuable stuff. did you know that the average woman becomes a widow at the age of 56? and 25% of those widows go through their husband's death benefit in TWO MONTHS!! women are out of the workforce an average of 11 1/2 years longer than men due to childbirth and child-rearing, so while men need to save about 10% of their income per year, to make up for the defecit, women need to save **12%**. i'll be 30 years old this year...so if i start saving $11 a day until i retire, i will have saved over a million and a half dollars. i'm off to the bank...!!!

ladies - go buy a copy of the book 'smart women finish rich'. its not really about making a whole lot of money, its about prioritizing your life and identifying your goals vs. your values to live your life to its fullest, so your happier in your everyday life *and* you can save for your retirement. its a great tool for us.

i have another story to share this evening about what i did this morning...i almost feel like i have a life again!!!

Thursday, June 23, 2005

blogging blues

hello, boys and girls. i have been using a lot of lyrics lately to communicate because NOTHING NEW is going on in my life. isn't that sad? i work from home, so nothing interesting happens to me here. my daughter's babysitter is upstairs, so i don't actually have to leave to take her somewhere. i got a pedicure today...big whoop. larry the cat is even bored with me - she's been sleeping all day. the tadpole is still a tadpole...i'm as boring as they get. i'm going to a financial planning seminar tonight...sound boring? YEP. i don't even have any funny jokes to tell. i think i might have 'blogger's block'. anyone know where the action is around here???

Saturday, June 18, 2005

for guy

in every heart there is a room - a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past until a new one comes along
i spoke to you in cautious tones, you answered me with no pretense
and still i feel i said too much - my silence is my self defense
and every time i've held a rose, it seems i only felt the thorns
and so it goes, and so it goes...and so will you soon, i suppose
but if my silence made you leave, then that would be my worst mistake
so i will share this room with you, and you can have this heart to break
and this is why my eyes are closed...it's just as well, for all i've seen
and so it goes, and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows
so i would choose to be with you - that's if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break
and so it goes, and so it goes...and you're the only one who knows

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

courtesy of kelly clarkson

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did - you fell so hard
i've learned the hard way to never let it get that far
because of you

i never stray too far from the sidewalk because of you
i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt because of you
i find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid, i lose my way, and its not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know that's weakness in your eyes

i'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with
i watched you die
i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young
you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else - you just saw your pain
and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing because of you
because of you

because of you i am afraid
because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because its empty
because of you i am afraid
because of you.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

my occupation

i'm an electroneurodiagnostic technologist. to simplify - i shock people for a living. in man terms, I 'run diagnostics' on the brain, spine, central and peripheral nervous systems. i talked about this a long time ago; it was, i believe, my second post...gosh, that seems like forever ago...almost a lifetime! i hook electrodes up to people...depending on the problem. electrodes on the foot, leg, thigh, arm, hand, wrist, cervical and/or lumbar spine, head...and that's just the beginning. i then shock them with something that closely resembles a stun gun. the computer at the other end of the electrodes makes a map of the nerve's function, and the 'puter spits out all kinds of numbers. all of that stuff is interpreted, and live moves on from there. however...now that i'm the only one in the company other than the doctor that owns it, i am now the marketer, the scheduler, the person in charge of making sure the billing is done correctly...and anything and everything else that needs to be done. some days i work several hours...many days, i don't work at all. nooooooooooo problems there! sure, i'll take a paycheck to get a tan. why not??

i'm enjoying your responses to your favorite love songs. i know its hard to choose - there are so many out there. keep them coming, though...even if you've already left me one. i'm a die-hard, hopeless romantic, and the songs make me smile...but leave them, even if they make me cry!
here's another of my favorites...'i go crazy' by paul davis

hello girl it's been awhile
guess you'll be glad to know that i've learned how to laugh and smile
getting over you was slow
they say old lovers can be good friends, but i never thought i'd really see you...i'd really see you again
i go crazy when i look in your eyes
i still go crazy...no my heart just can't hide that old feelin' inside
way deep down inside
oh baby, you know when i look in your eyes i go crazy
you say he satifies your mind
tells you all of his dreams...i know how much that means to you
i realize that i was blind
just when i thought i was over you, i see your face and it just ain't true
no it just ain't true
i go crazy when i look in your eyes
i still go crazy
that old flame comes alive, it starts burning inside...way deep down inside
oh baby, you know when i look in your eyes i go crazy"

talk to me!

love and light...
~sparky

ugh

hello, strangers and friends. let me just begin by saying that losing someone that you love is a *B.I.T.C.H.* moving on...

my job is fan-freaking-tastic. i think i work maybe 8 hours a week at the most, and since i'm salaried, i get paid anyway. to lay out by the pool, watch tv, read, shop, go to the zoo...whatever my little heart desires. and since the other three people that worked for us were FIRED for being STUPID, i'm now the only one in the company, besides the doctor. FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC! i can't believe i stumbled on such an incredible opportunity. they were right...when one door closes, there's an open window somewhere. sweet!

now...for the tadpole update. one of the little boogers died...but one lived. and still has NO FREAKING LEGS! (i'm using that word a lot, huh?) no legs...i really have no clue what to do with it, and i'm really starting to get concerned. i wonder if they're growing inside his body, and he's gonna explode or something freakish like that. should i call 'unsolved mysteries'??

hmmmm...ok, i've written, but i feel like i've written nothing of substance. so...i'll ask a question. what's your favorite *LOVE* song?

mine? "amneris' letter" from elton john and bernie taupin's musical "aida".

'i'm sorry for everything i've said, and for anything i forgot to say, too
when things get so complicated, i stumble - at best, muddle through
i wish that our lives could be simple
i don't want the world - only you
i wish i could tell you this face to face, but there's never the time - never the place
so this letter will have to do...
i love you'

shania twain sang the song on the album that was cut. its quite possibly the most beautiful song i've ever heard. now - share yours with me.

love and light...
~sparky

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

*sigh* legless in ft worth *pout*

well, guess what? after much coaching and talking and persuading and hoping and even praying, the stinkin things STILL don't have legs - nor do they have any signs of nubbies that could perhaps one day become legs. i'm doomed to have legless frogs. do they make wheelchairs for frogs that never sprouted legs? i should start looking for a couple.

i'm leaving for galveston early in the morning for a 'family vacation'. some of us - six, to be exact - are riding in a van. gee, won't that be fun?? i think i'll double my dosage of dramamine and skip out on all of that excitement. and if i'm drugged, i won't have to drive!!! but i *am* looking forward to laying out on the beach and *shopping*!! somewhere i have to find a beautiful suntanned brunette to bring home :o) HI, GUY!!

kenny chesney married the 'you had me at hello' girl. excuse me while i barf. and that's all i have to say about that.

so i have a question for you guys - if you could spend 24 hours living someone else's life, who would it be, and why? i think i would like to trade places with oprah... she gets to spend time with the coolest people, and she has the means and the desire to help people who actually need it.

this saturday is 'stamp out hunger' saturday. before your letter carrier arrives, put some non-perishable food items by your mailbox so they can donate it to your community.

no matter how tainted or horrible you think you are, you are still a tool of God.

Monday, May 02, 2005

the plight of the legless frog

i have been trying to get these tadpoles to grow legs for months now. MONTHS! i've had them in the shade, i've had them in the sun, i've fed them a little, i've fed them a lot, i've changed their water, and nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. there's a little creek by my apartment that i take my daughter to when she feels like 'exploring', so i had an idea. i figured they might not be getting what they need out of bottled water (which is what the frog booklet they came with recommends), so i went to get them some creek water and algae. so...off i go. i filled up the cups and the bowl, and i start walking around checking stuff out. bass, perch, minnows, turtles, you name it! i see this little head sticking out of the water, and i moved over into the shade so i could see into the water...i wanted to know what was attached to the head. big mistake. HUGE! i look down and the head is attached to a 3 and a half foot long WATER MOCCASIN. cripes! those little suckers will chase you!!! not to mention, they've got a seriously poisonous bite. so i wait...stand completely still...until the thing swam away and buried itself in a hole in the embankment. good lord. nothing that scary has happened to me since the electricity went off at 3 am and i couldn't find my cellphone! (i'm afraid of the dark, remember?) these legless frogs are becoming a big pain in my arse. its time for them to get with the program - FROGGIES, LISTEN UP: GROW LEGS OR BE FLUSHED.

what in the sam hell do you do with a legless frog?????

Thursday, April 28, 2005

one pin

hellooooooooooooooooooo!!

kate (my cousin's wife) had her surgery early this week. she's doing well. thank you so much for all of your prayers. they are greatly appreciated.

speaking of prayers - hi, christy! i've missed you - hope you're doing well. you still make me proud.

so...i went bowling with some friends and our kids this weekend. kids in one lane, big kids (us morons) in the other. just for the record - i suck at bowling. i should have been bowling with the little kids - but even then, my daughter - my own flesh and blood - would have beaten me. how is that possible? she's 7!! shouldn't she suck at bowling, too? my problem through a lot of the games was - i could knock down all of the pins, save ONE. one stinkin' pin. *sigh* i royally suck at bowling. maybe the kid beat me because they had bumpers on their lane. will they do that for the big kids? i probably should have asked.

my ex-husband is leaving today for bahrain. he's in the navy. we're calling this his 'finding a third wife' mission. see, he left me over the phone from 1500 miles away the day before he was supposed to go on his 6-month trip on his ship. 'i don't love you anymore - i want a divorce'. then *poof* he was gone. when he came back, there was a new woman, and shortly thereafter, she was pregnant with his baby (while he was still married to me). so...i wonder when wife #2 (the wicked stepmother) is going to get her call...maybe then she'll know what its like to walk a mile in MY shoes. that makes me smile a little. you see, i know something is up. the last 2 times i've met him to exchange the munchkin, he's been on his trusty little cell phone. but the second he sees me, he hangs it up - very abruptly. can't wait to see how this turns out. its almost like watching a soap opera.

hmmmmmmmm...what else do i have to talk about?

oh, i know! my daughter got one of those frog habitats for christmas, where you send off in the mail for tadpoles and you watch their metamorphasis into frogs. its only supposed to take 4-6 weeks for the complete change to take place. we've had these stupid things for THREE MONTHS, and still no sign of legs. nothing. nada. i think they sent me legless frogs. what am i supposed to do with them??? is there some sort of foundation for frogs born without the ability to grow legs? should i start one? or perhaps a rescue society??

my constantine was voted off of idol last night. i'm gonna miss his cheesy performances. and now i'm stuck with bo bice and scott savol? yick. at least i know now that carrie has a better chance of winning. you go, girl!

1 Cor 15:10
But by the grace of God, I am what I am

Friday, April 22, 2005

my voice

hello again. i know, its been awhile. some things - bad and good - happened all at once, and for what seemed like an eternity, i lost my inner voice. i lost the desire - the need to be heard. i quit a job i dearly loved because of the unfair rantings of an unprofessional boss. i got a new job working less and making more, which allows me to spend time with my daughter, which is more than i could have hoped for. but in the process, i feel i lost some very good friends. i miss felipa and desi, my geese...and shortcake. the day the crap went down at my office, i was supposed to have left town to see a man that i greatly respect and care very deeply for retire from his career in the USMC. i couldn't make it - and was too shaken to verbalize to anybody what had happened. embarrassed, actually. so i lost a group of friends there, too. i miss all of you dearly - please know that. you are in my thoughts and my prayers daily.

so, strangers and friends, here i am again, aching to use my voice. dying to communicate with outsiders again. geez...when i type that it sounds so melodramatic. but i've missed this. its good to be back!

i'm working for a mobile diagnostic company now. when i'm not testing in other doctor's offices, i'm working from home. that's great. its cool. i can pick pete up from school every day, and that's been great for her. and for me. we get to spend a lot more time together, and its been a lot more productive. she gets her homework done faster, and we don't have to fight about it because i'm not in such a hurry to get her fed and into the shower...and then to bed. i couldn't have asked for a better job.

i have a cousin, david, in baghdad. he has a wife, kate, and three children. when he calls, he tells her he's on a base, he's not going into the towns, and that he's safe. we all know he's lying, but...she doesn't. bless her heart. he's in the national guard - this is the second time he's been away. the first time, he was a security guard for the director of homeland security. this time he's going into the villages in and around baghdad, going to homes of known informants and questioning them to find more information. but kate thinks he's safe. however - kate is not. kate was diagnosed with breast cancer. she's opted to - get this - have a double mastectomy. she fears the cancer. but it can come back - anywhere. so david gets to come home and help care for her and their children for awhile. dave and kate don't need - don't deserve - this kind of stress and heartache. they've come so far together - love each other so much. but their faith, they insist, will get them through. pray for them.

you know what i did a few weeks ago? i went to my grandmother's grave for the first time - she's been gone for almost five years. gosh, it was surreal. i was a pallbearer in her funeral- i carried her there, much like she carried me through a lot of my life. it was hard to go there. but i needed to go there. i don't know if i'll ever go back. her kitchen table is at kristi's now. things are as they should be - we still sit at that table and talk. its like going home almost.

its funny, the way you find out who your true friends are - who really has your back. i haven't heard from anyone at the office in over two weeks - a few of these people self-proclaimed 'friends'. but jamie - she's the best. talks to me all the time. i'm a lucky girl - the good ones have been weeded out. i guess its just the natural progression of things.

what else can i say here? i've missed you guys...missed typing to you. but i'm back now - will write often. promise.

rage against the dying of the light.

Monday, January 24, 2005

i wonder...

things are a little slow at the office today. little d and i have spent some serious time playing solitare and surfing. so we started talking, and i said 'i wonder what our parents did at work when they got bored - you know, before the days of the internet and computer games?'

well...i really do wonder. surely they got bored at some point. did they talk on the phone? probably not...phone conversations weren't all that popular back then. so what does that leave me? converstaions - maybe. reading the occasional magazine - perhaps. thinking up ways to get revenge on your crappy boss - likely. food fights - only if they were lucky. boredom does strange things to people, huh?

i'm listening to a cd that i burned last year. i put 'the pina colada song' on it. it just came on - I LOVE THIS SONG!! i don't know why! it also has an old paul davis song on it ' '65 love affair'. that was the very first song that my dad taught me to sing. aaaahhhhhhhh...memories. some people have memories that are tied to things that they own...some are tied to scents. most of my memories are musical. that neil diamond song 'the story of my life'...makes me cry every time i hear it. 'original sin' by elton john should be on everyone's top 10 list. as well as a few by christopher cross, like 'walking in avalon'. but you all should go in search of the song called 'on the coast of somewhere beautiful' by kenny chesney. its beautiful. i could talk about billy joel for forever, but let me just say 'just the way you are', 'honesty', 'she's got a way', 'all about soul', and quite possibly one of the most perfect songs ever written ' **'and so it goes'**.

ok...i'll stop now. may you all have wonderful lives full of laughter and music.

Friday, January 21, 2005

my skin

hi, all.

i've spent a very long time in this skin - more than 29 years. so why is it that its just starting to be comfortable? why am i just now learning about myself - who i am, and who i want to be? i've lived the majority of my life on a trial-by-fire basis. i guess it was supposed to be this way, but it took so stinkin' long to get here! i was an insecure kid, insecure teenager, which i'm sure is what led me to be so insecure in my marraige...maybe that's part of the reason i'm divorced. i could tell stories about my life that would make your hair stand on end...but why? why live in the past, when the future is what matters. the past is what shapes you into who you are, but some people have a hard time letting that go - and why is that? i've dated some guys that are so terrified that i'm going to let my past influence my opinion of men...ALL men...that they don't give our potential relationship a fair chance. i guess that's because of their past experiences with other women. why is the past so hard to let go of? why can't we just learn from it and move on? its over now - it can't hurt us anymore. and if it does, its your own fault because you let it. so i just don't tell anyone anymore about most of the things that i've seen, because it usually blows up in my face. but that sucks, too, because its what happened to me in the past that made me who i am, and shouldn't someone who cares about me want to know what shaped and molded me...without judging me? i am who i am, and i'm proud of it. i'm now officially comfortable in my skin. i'd be in trouble if i weren't, right? i mean, have you ever tried to put toothpaste back into the tube. it can't be done. i can't undo my past, either. but how do you make someone else comfortable with your skin? well, you can't MAKE anyone do anything, which i suppose is part of the struggle. i've yet to date a man that will go to church with me. i've yet to date a man that will come hear me sing. that's very important to me. i guess the right one will come along at the right time, and it will all make sense to me. but i'm impatient! and i'm getting a headache...that can't be good, right?

the road i'm traveling on is a bumpy one, but i'm enjoying the ride. i've got a great family, a great kid, a great group of friends (hey, little d!), a great group of people to sing with, a great church family, and a great group of teens that make me smile whenever i'm around them. i'm truly blessed. i've got great skin.

HI DEL!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

website

i was driving to work this morning and saw a web address on a bumper sticker.

please visit www.homesforourtroops.org - if you can swing it, make a donation. ask your company to make a charitable donation. something - anything. they deserve it. and spread the address around - the more they can do, the better.

god bless

Friday, January 14, 2005

i'm the tooth fairy

so...i took the munchkin to dinner at el chico last night. i'm enjoying my enchiladas, and she says 'hey, mom...jared says you're the tooth fairy'

uh oh. i'm on the verge of crying...no more santa claus, easter bunny...i've been found out.

'huh? what did he say'

'we were talking about the tooth fairy. i told him that she gave me five bucks, and he told me that the tooth fairy is you...my mom...YOU'RE the tooth fairy!'

where do i go with this? how do i save myself and the sanctity of the fairy tale?

'i'm the tooth fairy, huh? so i go all over the world every night when you're asleep and take kids' teeth and give them money? nope! first of all, where would i get all of that money, and second of all, where would i keep all of those yicky teeth?? GROSS!! nope...i'm not the tooth fairy'.

she buys it. apparently she didn't get that he was saying that the tooth fairy was *everyone's* mom...she just thought i was the REAL DEAL tooth fairy. kinda cool, huh?

or...maybe poor jared really thinks i'm the tooth fairy. and that's just greatness. from now on, please refer to me as 'fairy-licious'!

Thursday, January 13, 2005

random nothingness...or could it be something?

hey, all.

i haven't posted in a while...does your life ever spin out of control, and it seems almost impossible to get it back? well, it did, and i did, so here i am again. sorry if you missed me!

one thing at a time. i'm irritated about this whole tsunami thing. yeah, i know what happened over there sucks. but we sent our troops over there, and we're giving them millions of dollars to aid their now homeless population. HELLO?? WHAT ABOUT **OUR** HOMELESS POPULATION??? we do have one, you know. i see them all the time. what are we doing to help our own people? nada - just going further into debt to help other people. we suck.

i'm a barry manilow fan. love him love him love him. i was listening to a song of his...the opening line is 'we had the right love at the wrong time'. and it cut me...it hurt. and i don't even know why. it literally took my breath away. is it possible to have the right love...just at the wrong time? and if its the right love...why can't it be the right time? and if it isn't the right time, how do you get there? i mean - its THE RIGHT LOVE. what we're all looking to find. 'somewhere down the road our roads are gonna cross again - it doesn't really matter when. but somewhere down the road, i know that heart of yours will come to see that you belong with me'. i've been there - a few years ago. and we are still very very good friends. and i stopped and wondered - will our roads cross again? for a third time? and then i figured i was putting way too much thought into it. so i moved on to 'copa cabana'. but i know you will read this - and i want you to know that i think of you often.

if i had to wear my philosophy of life as a motto on a t-shirt, what would it be? don't blend in like a chameleon. stand out like a hot pink elephant.

and...last thing. HI DEL!!! mardi gras - here i come!!!