if i were a boy

yeah...i'm totally stealing the title from beyonce. so what?

*i would put the toilet seat down. and i might even take a smidge of toilet paper and clean the dribble i made before i put the toilet seat down, thus making it less disgusting for you when you clean said toilet.

*i would say 'excuse me' when i burped...or farted...yes, even if it was silent, because i want to acknowledge that i'm singe-ing your nosehairs, out of politeness.

*i would make a concentrated effort at looking you in the face, even if there is a decent amount of cleavage showing...especially if you are speaking. after all, somewhere in my brain, it is registering that your voice is coming out of your mouth, which is on your face...and not your boobs...

*i would do the dishes...even if it is just once a month. i know you worked hard on dinner, and i don't want you to have to ... oh who am i kidding? did i really just type this?

*i would ask you what movie you wanted to see...and then i might actually sit there and watch it...and not sigh loudly when the girls on the screen are bitching about their boyfriends/husbands/lovers for the the kazillionth time.

*i would walk out of the room when you ask me "baby do these jeans make my ass look big" so i could avoid ... well ... you know. that just NEVER ends well.

*i wouldn't give you a hard time about the purse you just bought. :o)~

*hell, i might even buy you a new purse if i see a cute one at the mall. yeah...i just typed that, too. you do realize this is a work of fiction, right?

*i wouldn't make you go to wal mart ever again. i know that it makes you want to kill yourself, what with the screaming children, the impossible to navigate aisles, the scores of people who don't speak the same language that we speak, the fact that your friend calls it so swimming with germs its just like a fucking petri dish, and the scary blue vests, so if we need something i will take the kids and give you some alone time and i will go by myself.

*i would light some candles in the bedroom, turn down the comforter before bedtime...and let you read yourself to sleep. (and possibly call 911 when the candles set the curtains on fire).

little house on fort hood

i went to sign for my house today. its so cute! new appliances in the kitchen, the carpet is almost new, its got lots of windows and great light - and lots of shade from the trees. i ended up with what they call a "bonus" room - THREE bedrooms!! yay! we were only supposed to get two. but...they don't provide you with a fence. i have to rent a fence. like i rent a movie. wierd, right? whatever. i have a house!

so as i'm driving home...out of the corner of my eye, i see this really big dog and i kind of veer off to the right to get a better look at it. only...its not a dog. its a wild boar. and i'm explaining this to my mom and my daughter who are, of course, not paying attention. i say - "how could you miss it? its a wild hog! H-O-G...PIG!" "umm...that's not how you spell pig" my daughter says. we can't all be geniuses.