Thursday, October 20, 2005

i just *had* to share

Monday, October 10, 2005

is it over yet?

i have a heavy heart.

a few weeks ago would have been my tenth wedding anniversary. but i didn't make it that far. on a sunny day in july, just hours before my grandmother died, my husband left me. in a phone call. from more than a thousand miles away. then he left the country for six months.

at that time, more than five years ago, i'm sad to say that failure wasn't out of the ordinary for me. i felt like a failure more days of my life than i care to mention. as a mother, as a wife, a friend, a daughter. when i was hit with the cold sting of his goodbye, my world fell apart. i not only had to grieve the loss of my grandmother, i had to face the loss of my marriage - my life. i was 24 years old. still a child, really. my life fell apart and the walls went up. i began to self destruct. i drank more than any person should be allowed. smoked more than any person should be allowed. anything i could think of to numb the pain, even just a little, so that i wouldn't feel so excrutiatingly empty. i remember sitting in my mother's bathroom sobbing with a towel over my face so no one could hear me. i was angry at the world. angry at myself. angry at god. angry at anyone and everyone who would listen. but the words just wouldn't come out.

some days, i'm still angry. some days, i still feel that emptiness inside. some days, i still feel like if i had done just one thing different, then my life wouldn't have turned out this way. but then...i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i think i'm stronger. bolder. more confident. and i have such wonderful things in my life. when i hear his voice, i don't get twisted up inside. when i see him, i no longer cry. i no longer wish for what might have been. i don't ache.

and i wonder - is it over yet?