personal space vs. the prospect

hello, all.

i've been alone for almost five years now. i've come to love - almost revere - my personal space and my "me time". and i'm beginning to understand the concept behind the "old spinster". i sleep in the middle of the bed, drink milk from the jug, leave my wet towels in the bathroom, can watch chick-flick-victim-movies on lifetime whenever i want, can come and go as i please (depending on the kid and her location), not have to worry about who gets the last beer in the fridge, and i have SOLE POSESSION OF THE REMOTE CONTROL! so...if there were a prospect for me and my daughter, someone to add to our family, how on earth would i give all of that up? i know i've done it before - i was married for almost five years. but i was so young then i had no concept of the whole personal space thing because i'd always lived with someone, either my mom or my now ex. i know it would more than likely be worth it, but...what if it isn't? i've lived in fear, not wanting to get into a permanent relationship because i don't want to get hurt again, and i certainly don't want that for my daughter. its the same story about a million other people have to tell, so i won't go into detail. but...i've always got the same thought in my mind...ALWAYS.

what if? what if i fall in love? what if my daughter loves him? what if my family loves him? what if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me? and then...what if, at some point five years down the line, he changes his mind?

so, my dilemma remains - do i love my personal stuff, or could i - would i - should i - give it up? and what if?

i was attacked!

there are very few times when i actually *miss* being married. like really really want to go back to being married again. one of them is when i buy a whole bunch of groceries and have to bring them in from the car. the other one is when i have to put up the stinkin' christmas tree.

i bought a fake tree this year. a seven-and-a-half footer. i mean this sucker is MASSIVE. and its pre-lit, so not only is it reeeeealy big, its reeeeeeeeeeeeealy heavy. it was in the box in three pieces. i took it out and put it together. attached all the little plugs and put the main one in the wall. it lit up all pretty, but something was missing - COLOR! so i got out my old strings of colored lights, determined to make my apartment light up like las vegas. the tree is in the corner by the big window in the living room and the patio door. keep in mind that, during this whole ordeal, the blinds on the window as well as the verticals to the patio were WIDE OPEN.

so anyway, i go get the colored lights and a chair. i have one foot in the chair, one foot on the loveseat, and both hands on opposite sides of the lights, thus forming a circle around the tree with my arms and the lights. i start to lose my balance, the chair falls backwards, i fall on top of it, and the tree falls on me. I WAS ATTACKED BY MY CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!!!!! needless to say, i survived, but i have an awesome bruise on my right leg. very sexy. i'm sure it was amusing to the people that live in my complex...because i know at least 5 people saw it through my OPEN BLINDS. i'm really smarter than i look.

on another note - i correspond with a group of really awesome people during the day - all of them having to do with the military in one way or another. i salute you guys...you're awesome.

more later!

i miss back when

things were so much different when i was growing up in a small texas town. my life now feels like that place, that period in my life, almost never existed. a place that was much more slow-paced with wide open spaces just calling out to be discovered.

i miss climbing trees. believe it or not, i was a bit of a tomboy, and i was always climbing in someone's tree. i fell out of a tree once...and sprained my ankle. i wasn't supposed to be climbing trees - it wasn't 'ladylike' - so my best friend kristi had to walk me home and help me lie. (sssssshhhhhhhhhh...i didn't fall out of a tree. i slipped on a really big rock and fell down)

speaking of kristi, i miss my best friend. she and i have been friends since, as i've always said, i was in-utero. we grew up across the street from each other. we've shared bad hairstyles, bad boyfriends, bad fashion trends, good food, and great conversation. now that we're grown up and have lives of our own, we din't get to spend a lot of time together. i miss her. A LOT!

i miss sundays. there's a song called 'sunday in the south' that always reminds me of the way sundays were at my house. when i was a little girl, my mom and i lived with my grandmother. she would get me up early on sunday, we would get dressed up, and she would take me to church. when we got out, we would go back home, and she would fix a huge meal and the whole family would come over. if i think about it really hard, i can still hear the noises and smell the smells that would emminate from my mam-ma's kitchen...so well sometimes that it makes my heart ache.

i miss the popping and crackling of a record player.

i miss playing in the dirt. kristi and i dug this HUGE hole in my back yard and did the coolest things with dirt! built castles, made mud pies, had good clean messy fun. it was a blast!

i miss riding my bike to 'town'. 'town' consisted of winn dixie, mott's, dairy queen, and the snow cone stand all in the same parking lot. we would go spend hours there, just hanging out and walking around.

its too bad we can't go back in time. i miss the simplicity of the way my life was 20 years ago.