my voice

hello again. i know, its been awhile. some things - bad and good - happened all at once, and for what seemed like an eternity, i lost my inner voice. i lost the desire - the need to be heard. i quit a job i dearly loved because of the unfair rantings of an unprofessional boss. i got a new job working less and making more, which allows me to spend time with my daughter, which is more than i could have hoped for. but in the process, i feel i lost some very good friends. i miss felipa and desi, my geese...and shortcake. the day the crap went down at my office, i was supposed to have left town to see a man that i greatly respect and care very deeply for retire from his career in the USMC. i couldn't make it - and was too shaken to verbalize to anybody what had happened. embarrassed, actually. so i lost a group of friends there, too. i miss all of you dearly - please know that. you are in my thoughts and my prayers daily.

so, strangers and friends, here i am again, aching to use my voice. dying to communicate with outsiders again. geez...when i type that it sounds so melodramatic. but i've missed this. its good to be back!

i'm working for a mobile diagnostic company now. when i'm not testing in other doctor's offices, i'm working from home. that's great. its cool. i can pick pete up from school every day, and that's been great for her. and for me. we get to spend a lot more time together, and its been a lot more productive. she gets her homework done faster, and we don't have to fight about it because i'm not in such a hurry to get her fed and into the shower...and then to bed. i couldn't have asked for a better job.

i have a cousin, david, in baghdad. he has a wife, kate, and three children. when he calls, he tells her he's on a base, he's not going into the towns, and that he's safe. we all know he's lying, but...she doesn't. bless her heart. he's in the national guard - this is the second time he's been away. the first time, he was a security guard for the director of homeland security. this time he's going into the villages in and around baghdad, going to homes of known informants and questioning them to find more information. but kate thinks he's safe. however - kate is not. kate was diagnosed with breast cancer. she's opted to - get this - have a double mastectomy. she fears the cancer. but it can come back - anywhere. so david gets to come home and help care for her and their children for awhile. dave and kate don't need - don't deserve - this kind of stress and heartache. they've come so far together - love each other so much. but their faith, they insist, will get them through. pray for them.

you know what i did a few weeks ago? i went to my grandmother's grave for the first time - she's been gone for almost five years. gosh, it was surreal. i was a pallbearer in her funeral- i carried her there, much like she carried me through a lot of my life. it was hard to go there. but i needed to go there. i don't know if i'll ever go back. her kitchen table is at kristi's now. things are as they should be - we still sit at that table and talk. its like going home almost.

its funny, the way you find out who your true friends are - who really has your back. i haven't heard from anyone at the office in over two weeks - a few of these people self-proclaimed 'friends'. but jamie - she's the best. talks to me all the time. i'm a lucky girl - the good ones have been weeded out. i guess its just the natural progression of things.

what else can i say here? i've missed you guys...missed typing to you. but i'm back now - will write often. promise.

rage against the dying of the light.