personal space vs. the prospect

hello, all.

i've been alone for almost five years now. i've come to love - almost revere - my personal space and my "me time". and i'm beginning to understand the concept behind the "old spinster". i sleep in the middle of the bed, drink milk from the jug, leave my wet towels in the bathroom, can watch chick-flick-victim-movies on lifetime whenever i want, can come and go as i please (depending on the kid and her location), not have to worry about who gets the last beer in the fridge, and i have SOLE POSESSION OF THE REMOTE CONTROL! so...if there were a prospect for me and my daughter, someone to add to our family, how on earth would i give all of that up? i know i've done it before - i was married for almost five years. but i was so young then i had no concept of the whole personal space thing because i'd always lived with someone, either my mom or my now ex. i know it would more than likely be worth it, but...what if it isn't? i've lived in fear, not wanting to get into a permanent relationship because i don't want to get hurt again, and i certainly don't want that for my daughter. its the same story about a million other people have to tell, so i won't go into detail. but...i've always got the same thought in my mind...ALWAYS.

what if? what if i fall in love? what if my daughter loves him? what if my family loves him? what if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me? and then...what if, at some point five years down the line, he changes his mind?

so, my dilemma remains - do i love my personal stuff, or could i - would i - should i - give it up? and what if?

i was attacked!

there are very few times when i actually *miss* being married. like really really want to go back to being married again. one of them is when i buy a whole bunch of groceries and have to bring them in from the car. the other one is when i have to put up the stinkin' christmas tree.

i bought a fake tree this year. a seven-and-a-half footer. i mean this sucker is MASSIVE. and its pre-lit, so not only is it reeeeealy big, its reeeeeeeeeeeeealy heavy. it was in the box in three pieces. i took it out and put it together. attached all the little plugs and put the main one in the wall. it lit up all pretty, but something was missing - COLOR! so i got out my old strings of colored lights, determined to make my apartment light up like las vegas. the tree is in the corner by the big window in the living room and the patio door. keep in mind that, during this whole ordeal, the blinds on the window as well as the verticals to the patio were WIDE OPEN.

so anyway, i go get the colored lights and a chair. i have one foot in the chair, one foot on the loveseat, and both hands on opposite sides of the lights, thus forming a circle around the tree with my arms and the lights. i start to lose my balance, the chair falls backwards, i fall on top of it, and the tree falls on me. I WAS ATTACKED BY MY CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!!!!! needless to say, i survived, but i have an awesome bruise on my right leg. very sexy. i'm sure it was amusing to the people that live in my complex...because i know at least 5 people saw it through my OPEN BLINDS. i'm really smarter than i look.

on another note - i correspond with a group of really awesome people during the day - all of them having to do with the military in one way or another. i salute you guys...you're awesome.

more later!

i miss back when

things were so much different when i was growing up in a small texas town. my life now feels like that place, that period in my life, almost never existed. a place that was much more slow-paced with wide open spaces just calling out to be discovered.

i miss climbing trees. believe it or not, i was a bit of a tomboy, and i was always climbing in someone's tree. i fell out of a tree once...and sprained my ankle. i wasn't supposed to be climbing trees - it wasn't 'ladylike' - so my best friend kristi had to walk me home and help me lie. (sssssshhhhhhhhhh...i didn't fall out of a tree. i slipped on a really big rock and fell down)

speaking of kristi, i miss my best friend. she and i have been friends since, as i've always said, i was in-utero. we grew up across the street from each other. we've shared bad hairstyles, bad boyfriends, bad fashion trends, good food, and great conversation. now that we're grown up and have lives of our own, we din't get to spend a lot of time together. i miss her. A LOT!

i miss sundays. there's a song called 'sunday in the south' that always reminds me of the way sundays were at my house. when i was a little girl, my mom and i lived with my grandmother. she would get me up early on sunday, we would get dressed up, and she would take me to church. when we got out, we would go back home, and she would fix a huge meal and the whole family would come over. if i think about it really hard, i can still hear the noises and smell the smells that would emminate from my mam-ma's kitchen...so well sometimes that it makes my heart ache.

i miss the popping and crackling of a record player.

i miss playing in the dirt. kristi and i dug this HUGE hole in my back yard and did the coolest things with dirt! built castles, made mud pies, had good clean messy fun. it was a blast!

i miss riding my bike to 'town'. 'town' consisted of winn dixie, mott's, dairy queen, and the snow cone stand all in the same parking lot. we would go spend hours there, just hanging out and walking around.

its too bad we can't go back in time. i miss the simplicity of the way my life was 20 years ago.

I AM SOOOOOOOOOO MAD!!!

hey, all.

as a ritual, every friday i look at 'the week in pictures' on msnbc's website. so i'm clicking through there this morning, and i come across a black screen with the warning that the next image is not suitable for...blah blah blah. so i click on it to view it...its a US soldier. a dead US soldier, lying in a pool of his own blood. what on earth could have posessed those people to post such a picture, for his family and his friends to see? on so many different levels, i am angry. that was somebody's son...someone's baby. someone's love. so...i promptly hit the 'email us' button, and sent them a piece of my mind, via the internet. haven't heard back from them...i guess we'll see what happens. i'm just a little peon out here ... they probably won't even read it. but i feel better now that i've said something. it just isn't right.

do me a favor? if you're out in public and happen to come across a man or woman in uniform, be it military service or civil service, shake his or her hand and say 'thank you'. they deserve it.

have a good weekend.

i swam to work today

hello, boys and girls. let me tell you about noah's ark. the rains came, and...

well, that's what it feels like around north texas these days. i expect to see noah on my doorstep any day now saying that he needs a female electroneurodiagnostic technologist to set sail with him and all of the other creatures on the 2004 model of the ark. don't get me wrong - i LOVE the rain. i love to take long walks in warm spring rain...i like to listen to the rain and fall asleep...i like to watch my daughter laughing and playing in the rain. but come on, now...let's get real. i'm not a hundred percent sure when i saw the sun last...that can't be good. *sigh* on to bigger and better things...

the cowboys lost again on monday. and we're going to replace vinny testaverde when???? sheesh! come on, coach...pull your head out of your hiney and do something! ah, who cares? i'm a packer fan anyway...

single motherhood can suck sometimes. i mean ROYALLY SUCK. but you know what? i have an awesome mom. she raised me as a single mother, so she knows the shoes i'm in. we didn't quite get to this point in the same manner (my father is an alcoholic drug-addict and my ex-husband left me for another woman), but she knows the things i'm dealing with. my ex lives several hours away from here because he's in the Navy, so he doesn't get to see her very much...her great-grandparents are elderly and their health is beginning to fail. i've never left pete (my daughter) with a babysitter - she's always stayed with family. so until last night, i hadn't been out alone in quite some time. she called yesterday and wanted to keep her for not just one, but TWO nights!!!! woo hoooooooooooooooo!!!!! my mom rocks. so i think that, for my own sanity, i need to start looking for a babysitter. she's old enough now to be left with a teenager for a few hours, right?? she's 7. either that, or i'll come home and my place will be in ashes. oh, the agony of it all...no wonder i don't sleep at night!

so...do i have a conclusion for today? you bet!
a) mom, if you should ever read this - i love you, and you're the best mother a daughter could ever ask for ...

and...

b) John Kerry just called president Bush to concede the election. He did ask
that as a provision of the concession that he be allowed to receive a Purple
Heart medal for injuries received in the ass whipping

that's all for now. take care...

VOTE OR DIE...well, don't die, but don't complain if you don't like the way things are

HELLOOOOOOOOOO!! i voted in my first presidential election today - i feel like such a big girl!! i stood in line for an hour in the rain under the american flag (weren't they supposed to take it down and put it away?) with my daughter, i went into that little room, and i completed my arrow. GO W!!! i was really impressed with the number of younger voters that i saw this morning. people from all walks of life, even a lady that was due to give birth at any little minute. she wouldn't go ahead of anyone, she wouldn't sit down, she wouldn't go inside out of the rain - she stood in line with everyone else. she said it was part of the democratic process, and she was proud to be able to participate, so she didn't want any special treatment. she was awesome. so, mr p daddy diddy puff - i did my duty, i voted for my man - i can't wait to see how it turns out! i haven't been this excited since...well...christmas, i guess.

i survived 'the grudge', though i don't know how. i guess it was because i went to a movie tavern, and they have beer. i thought i was going to jump out of my seat (or pee in my pants) a couple of times, but I DID IT! i survived the movie! now the people that i went with want to go watch that new movie 'saw'. at first i thought it might be ok, but i heard on the radio yesterday that there is an evil clown in it. i don't do clowns! not since i saw the stephen king movie 'it'. noooooooooooooo way. huh uh. i'll pass - send me a postcard.

hmmmm...do i have anything else to say today? my hair is a mess due to the rain, i'm freezing cold due to the rain...but oh, how i do love the rain! i'm looking forward to a cozy evening on the couch flipping channels between election coverage and 'coyote ugly'. i love that movie. if i were skinnier, i'd be a coyote. that would be cool.

VOTE TODAY, PEOPLE!!! VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

today is the day!!!

its scary movie day! i've been assured that it will be late enough to be thoroughly dark enough outside (to maximize the viewing experience, of course), and i have been informed that no, i may *NOT* take a blanket into the theater to cover my head...nor can i take the earplugs. man. what a challenge. i'm up for it, though. the closer it gets, strangely, the more excited i get. why is that? why am i excited to scare the holy bejeebers out of myself? that's just not cool. should i medicate before i go? should i call my preacher to pray for me before i go? should i just jump out of the vehicle while its still moving? i should definitely visit the restroom...oh, yeah. definitely. i'm 28 years old and i have never seen a horror movie in a theater. i've seen a couple on video, but this is some serious up-close-and-personal stuff. i'm such a wuss.

i really enjoy hitting the 'next blog' button. you never know what you're going to find on here. people ranting about the election. people lost in love. people in despair because their love has been lost. lots of things in languages that i don't understand. but its the desire to communicate and reach out that always gets me. so i guess that's what i'm doing here...reaching out. talking about everything...and nothing at all. some people's words inspire. some people's words anger. and some people's words uplift. but its all in the words. its about the fact that people want to touch other people with what they have to say. i think its fascinating!!

my youth minister when i was in high school always used to say "know who you are, who's you are, and what your mission is". well, i've got the first two covered. and i'm working on the third. but how do you go about determining your mission? that's a scary prospect!

kill me...please

so, ok. i'm afraid of three things - thunder, big huge cockroaches that are bigger than my hand, and ... the dark. but i'm terrified of *one* thing - scary movies. i don't know how, really, but little d talked me into going to see 'the grudge' two days from now. have i lost my mind? so now i'll be living in a constant state of fear and anxiety until then. whatever was i thinking? i'll be making phone calls at three am because i can't sleep and i'm imagining wierd things wandering around my house. (and, apparently, a hand coming out of the back of my head in the shower)

HOLY MOLEY!! this is just not me. i must have morphed into someone else overnight...someone calmer, braver, smarter, and ... well ... not crazy!

'little d' and the boredom factor

so i'm at work right now, and i work with one of my best friends (every girl has 2 or 3 of those, right?) - desiree (aka little d)...and we're bored. so she wanted me to write some amusing stuff in my blog so she can pretend to look busy. (wuv you d!)

what do i write about? what's the difference between lima beans and boogers? kids will eat boogers. ha ha ha...lame joke of the day. everyone should have a signature joke. that pathetic one is mine.

we had a staff meeting yesterday. and we had some *lovely* chinese food. it was fab! and we were supposed to read our fortunes out loud. have you noticed that fortunes these days aren't really fortunes, but tips? 'hey, genius, don't step in the dog poo'. or 'every day is a gift'. duh! but that's not a fortune! fortunes are like 'you will meet the man of your dreams in 2 weeks when you're sitting at starbucks reading the paper'. or 'if you go on a cruise, take some immodium ad 'cuz you're gonna need it'. you know - stuff that foretells the future. but one of the girls got a "fortune" that said 'the job is well done'. i think that went over a lot of people's heads...except i think hers and mine. and - out loud - i said 'that's the best fortune you can get, because when you get to those pearly gates, that's what you want to hear! 'faithful servant, well done!!' i don't know who heard me, and who understood, but ... well, it made perfect sense to me!

well, i hope i've eased the boredom, at least for a bit. for today...call your mom and tell her you love her. it will brighten her day.

lead me to calvary

for those of you that don't know me, i sing at my church with a group of very talented, wonderful men and women. i started going to church when i was a little girl with my grandmother, and singing was my favorite part. we sing a-capella in my church, so we rely strongly on the beautiful harmonies and the amazing lyrics. one of my grandmother's (and now mine) favorite songs was 'lead me to calvary'. we sang that in church on sunday, and what that song meant finally totally made sense. i want to share it, mainly the chorus, and my interpretations.

'LEST I FORGET GETHSEMANE'
~just in case, lord, i should happen to forget where your son was betrayed
'LEST I FORGET THINE AGONY'
~just in case, lord, i should happen to forget all that you went through when your son's hands and feet were pierced with nails and a crown of thorns forced into his scalp...not to mention all of the people that mocked him and called him a fraud
'LEST I FORGET THY LOVE FOR ME'
~just in case, lord, i should happen to forget how your son saved me from the fiery depths of hell by hanging there for hours and hours and hours with no water and no one to take him down from that awful place
'LEAD ME TO CALVARY'
~then take me, lord, to the place that it all happened. let me witness it for myself, to know that you love me enough to send your one and only son to die that cruel death, so that i might have eternal freedom in your kingdom.

i had the awesome priveledge of watching the movie 'the passion of the christ' with my congregation. until then, i only knew what i had read in the bible and been taught in classes. in the span of time that i sat and watched that movie, it all hit me...he was my age. a young man. it hit me - as a mother, i could never stand for that to happen. the pain, the agony, the torture...the love. it was all there for me to see, with my own eyes. i was lead to calvary. and i was amazed.

my debt is cancelled. jesus paid it all.

in my head

hi, guys. here goes nothing!

the word 'grace' has so many different meanings - so many different connotations. it would be impossible to count them. but i want to share what it means to me.

grace is in the way that you carry yourself. a way that you present your inner-self to others. its almost a way of life, however impossible it may seem to obtain. grace is evident in everything that you do. its in the way that you smile at people when you're walking down the street. its in the way that you let someone go ahead of you in line at the grocery store when your basket is full and they only have a bottle of nail polish remover. grace is in the eyes and hands of an expectant mother. grace is in the little girl that goes and silently wraps her arms around a mother that has just recently lost her daughter. grace is in the courage with which a young girl deals with the fact that she will soon lose her life to a devastating disease. grace was there when a mother watched her son suffer and die on a cross for the forgiveness of the sins of mankind - including her own. and grace is evident in the spritually new christians, still damp from the waters of baptism. can you see grace all around you? i do. and i cherish it.

i don't really know how to close today. well...how 'bout this? give someone your smile today - they could probably use it.

wooooooo hoooooooooo!!! its friday!!!!!

see? i made it to friday - sweet! and i got to see my favorite patient today - that always puts a smile on my face, especially considering the day i'd had!

do you ever feel like you've had the worst day in the world? like you could scream and cry and throw up, all at the same time? i had that day today, and i really have no idea why...but a friend of mine made me feel much better, and i'm feeling like myself again. i suspect that that friend was standing in for the big kahuna himself, because i started reading some of my notes from church, and it hit me like a ton of bricks falling out of the sky. in the book of acts, paul goes before the san hedron, half of which are saducees (who didn't believe in the resurrection) and the other half were pharisees (who did believe in the resurrection), to stand up for the resurrection. he didn't get to finish his speech because the things he said caused a huge uproar, so he got sent back to his cell. later that evening, jesus HIMSELF stood next to paul because he needed his encouragement. today, i needed some serious encouragement, just to know that i wans't going to fall apart, and that yes, indeed, i am sane. my friend reached out to me, stood next to me, much like jesus did with paul. so, while he's not here physically, his presence is still all around me, through my friends. i think that's awesome. he stepped into my life through the presence of someone else and spoke those three magical words - 'peace, be still'. he may have physicaly left the planet that day on the cross, but he surely didn't leave me.

have you ever thought about the word 'grace'? what does it mean to you?

take care out there, people. and remember...always preach. use words when necessary.

just another manic thursday

hello, all. now that so many of you are DYING to know what i do (nods to amy), i'll tell you! i'm an electroneurodiagnostic technologist. to simplify - i shock people for a living. in man terms, i 'run diagnostics' on the brain, spine, central and peripheral nervous systems. hey - it pays the bills, right?

when i grow up (again, for amy), i would like to be ... well, it changes from day to day. some days, i would like to be a stay-at-home mom, but staying at home for too long without adult conversation drives me nuts! (i did it for 2 years). some days, i would like to be a police officer, to pull over all of the idiots i see driving down the road. some days, i would like to be a professional matchmaker, because ... well, leading people to love is awesome. some days, i would like to own a pet store, because i love little puppy kisses! but right now, i am who i am - a single, working mom taking care of my life as best as i can. and i'm cool with that.

so what do i have to add today? i don't know... i bit my my best friend's head off this morning out of frustration, and you can't ever take that back. so i feel awful. make a note - life doesn't have a rewind button. once you've said it, its out there. sometimes i don't think before i speak, and it gets the best of me later.

so, talk to me, people. what's on your mind??

is it friday yet?

hi!

i'm brandi, and this is my 'blog'. until a couple of weeks ago, i had no idea what a 'blog' was. i want to go post some stuff on somebody's site...but i'll write more soon! let me know if you read this...i'd like to know who my first visitor is. my nickname is sparky - anyone care to guess what i do for a living???