i have a heavy heart.
a few weeks ago would have been my tenth wedding anniversary. but i didn't make it that far. on a sunny day in july, just hours before my grandmother died, my husband left me. in a phone call. from more than a thousand miles away. then he left the country for six months.
at that time, more than five years ago, i'm sad to say that failure wasn't out of the ordinary for me. i felt like a failure more days of my life than i care to mention. as a mother, as a wife, a friend, a daughter. when i was hit with the cold sting of his goodbye, my world fell apart. i not only had to grieve the loss of my grandmother, i had to face the loss of my marriage - my life. i was 24 years old. still a child, really. my life fell apart and the walls went up. i began to self destruct. i drank more than any person should be allowed. smoked more than any person should be allowed. anything i could think of to numb the pain, even just a little, so that i wouldn't feel so excrutiatingly empty. i remember sitting in my mother's bathroom sobbing with a towel over my face so no one could hear me. i was angry at the world. angry at myself. angry at god. angry at anyone and everyone who would listen. but the words just wouldn't come out.
some days, i'm still angry. some days, i still feel that emptiness inside. some days, i still feel like if i had done just one thing different, then my life wouldn't have turned out this way. but then...i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i think i'm stronger. bolder. more confident. and i have such wonderful things in my life. when i hear his voice, i don't get twisted up inside. when i see him, i no longer cry. i no longer wish for what might have been. i don't ache.
and i wonder - is it over yet?
Monday, October 10, 2005
is it over yet?
Posted by sparkydiva at 9:47 PM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Wow - lots of emotions there. I'm glad you don't ache anymore.
I think it's common for a person to look back and find something they did that caused the problem. But, there were two of you, and I'm sure there were many things he could have done differently.
And, a phone call? Sorry, but I'm not impressed. He should have been in the same room.
anna - thank you. i appreciate your encouragement. it means a lot to me!
fred - unbeknownst to me, there were actually three of us in the marriage at the time, i just didn't know it yet. but that's a different story for a whole 'nother blog. as far as the phone call is concerned, i agree...it was a pretty chicken-shit thing of him to do.
i love you guys!!
~b
Wow. The way your marriage ended is a tough thing to get over. Like you said, it was chicken-shit. There is no reason to blame yourself. The way in which you were left tells me that he was the one who had done something wrong, and was feeling too guilty to look you in the eye.
It sounds like you are making your way, and are becoming better every day. Keep it up! :-)
You were pretty young to have to go thru with all that...It takes two to tango and it sounds like you ex had plenty to be guilty about. You are probably better off without him. It sounds like you grew from your experience, just don't let it turn you away from true love. Stop blaming yourself for what happened and forge ahead to a new, happier life. Good luck my dear.
Post a Comment