round five - DING!

so - i had sinus surgery in december. now i'm right in the middle of my fifth sinus infection post-surgery. i went to visit my ent on friday...and he wants to "do a culture".

again.

so...they squirt this numbing solution up both sides of my nose. and wait. within minutes, i can no longer feel my nose or the roof of my mouth. as fun as this may sound, trust me - its SO NOT.

he comes back in and attaches the gay thingie to his head with the lamp and mirror on it - you know, the thing they always put in doctor kits, but you've never REALLY seen a doctor wear? well, my gay ass doctor wears it. then he sticks the scope dealie up my nose. which, really, is no big deal, because i've been down this road before...a few times. but here comes the culture part. and its no picnic. but he's feeling frisky today, and he sticks it so far up my nose i swear to santa clause i think its going to come out of my fucking eyeball.

and then - we're done. you would think after all of that violation, i would get some sort of gratification - orgasmically speaking...nah. i don't even get any good drugs. we have to wait to see if it "grows anything". eew!

meanwhile, my nose wants to be taken out to dinner.

wow - its been a hott minute

i've got some wierd mutation of the monkey pox, so i'm gonna make this update quick -

i'm married!
i've got a step-daughter!
my own daughter is now -10-!!

wierd, right??

when i'm not on my death bed, i'll be back up and running :)

so where have i been?

trying to get my head on straight? trying to feel better? trying to get well? to all of these questions, yes. and then some. healing is a never-ending process, i have learned. i've grown tired of the setbacks. i'm slowly pushing the cobwebs from my mind and moving onward through the fog.

i have a new, permanent job in an office that does not require me to travel to zap my patients! woot! that makes me happy. i work with great people. its just great.

love life still kinda sucks...but i'll deal with that as it comes.

i wonder if i will ever really belong to someone again...or if i will always seem to be floating around aimlessly in the wind.

tell me - what is new with you guys?

i'm back i'm back i'm back

i'll get going here in the next couple of hours...but i'm back.

www.myspace.com/sparkydiva

hugs and kisses - i've missed you guys

b

i'm still here

hey, guys.

i haven't fallen off of the planet - i promise. i've been not-well, and spending a lot of time at my mother's. i'll be back soon, as soon as all of this is taken care of and i'm back of my proverbial feet again...keep your fingers crossed, and say a few prayers for me.

to all of my girls that i've "met" through miss jen *and jen* - i miss bantering with you guys. i think of you often, and i'll be back soon.

b

coming soon to a blog near you...

harvey the wonder dog.

stay tuned...

when?

when do you say enough is enough? that you're tired of the lack of calls? that you're tired of your phone calls not being returned? that you're tired of it taking well into the next day for the plain and simple acknowledgement of YOUR phone call that went unanswered? long distance relationships are a bitch in the first place...when the phone is , temporarily, all you have, you either use it or get stuck in a place like this one.

(yes, guy, i can hear you laughing and i can hear you saying something about karma being a bitch...and it is.)

when, exactly, do you say i'm done?

i'll tell you now - i'm done.

...and work isn't getting any better, either.

BUT I'M STILL FRIGGIN' SMILING!

:o)

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

my constant reminder

i proudly wear this ring. not as a fashion statement, and not to broadcast my faith to the world. i wear this ring to constantly remind myself of who i am and of the path that i have chosen for both my daughter and me. it keeps me grounded and lets me know that i will be ok.

tell me about what keeps you grounded and centered...

fighting for

its been a hectic month. things have changed at my office, and not for the better. i'm hanging in - waiting for it to get better. but there's a limit to my patience - i'm being "courted" by another physician group. if the money's right, i think i'll go. this place where i'm working now is just flat out ridiculous.

i started a relationship with a wonderful man who is very VERY far away. its hard. and, at times, its really not even that pleasant. i don't know where this is going - if anywhere. we just can't seem to get it together. patience is not a virtue that i posess.

i will be thirty *gasp* in less than a month. i'm a thirty-year-old divorcee'. i'm a single mom. i, physically, am dating no one. i even have a friggin cat. this is NOT how my life was supposed to turn out.

sorry to be such a downer, you guys...its just where i'm at right now. i think i've lost sight of what i'm supposed to be fighting for.

here i am

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

well...

i wish i had a river i could skate away on.

more when i'm ... me again.

~b

update

no...i'm not dead. just been really busy. i'll write more on sunday...

i just *had* to share

is it over yet?

i have a heavy heart.

a few weeks ago would have been my tenth wedding anniversary. but i didn't make it that far. on a sunny day in july, just hours before my grandmother died, my husband left me. in a phone call. from more than a thousand miles away. then he left the country for six months.

at that time, more than five years ago, i'm sad to say that failure wasn't out of the ordinary for me. i felt like a failure more days of my life than i care to mention. as a mother, as a wife, a friend, a daughter. when i was hit with the cold sting of his goodbye, my world fell apart. i not only had to grieve the loss of my grandmother, i had to face the loss of my marriage - my life. i was 24 years old. still a child, really. my life fell apart and the walls went up. i began to self destruct. i drank more than any person should be allowed. smoked more than any person should be allowed. anything i could think of to numb the pain, even just a little, so that i wouldn't feel so excrutiatingly empty. i remember sitting in my mother's bathroom sobbing with a towel over my face so no one could hear me. i was angry at the world. angry at myself. angry at god. angry at anyone and everyone who would listen. but the words just wouldn't come out.

some days, i'm still angry. some days, i still feel that emptiness inside. some days, i still feel like if i had done just one thing different, then my life wouldn't have turned out this way. but then...i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i think i'm stronger. bolder. more confident. and i have such wonderful things in my life. when i hear his voice, i don't get twisted up inside. when i see him, i no longer cry. i no longer wish for what might have been. i don't ache.

and i wonder - is it over yet?

woot!

i've been put on someone's 'blogs i like to read' list!!!!!

thank you, sassy!!! if i knew how to make a list, i'd put you on it! (and you, too, jen, fred and robin!)

i'm a happy girl!

road rage barbie

is what i have become. traffic is not my friend. if you come over into my lane, i'm going to yell at you. if you don't use your blinker, i'm going to yell at you. if you cut me off, i'm going to yell at you. if you ride my bumper, i'm gonna yell even louder AND give you the bird. i think i need to take some anger management classes. or there's a whole lot of idiots on the road and they need to go back to driver's ed.

scenes from an aircraft

*to the single dad on my right - yes, i will accompany your daughter to the restroom when we land. no, you may not have my phone number.

*to the gentleman on my left wearing a thumb ring, a pink plastic breast cancer awareness bracelet and carrying a (very nice) leather "man bag" - you can talk about your "girlfriend" all you want, but NO ONE believes you. (especially with THAT lisp)

*to the lady wandering around trying to match a seat number with your boarding pass - we're flying on SOUTHWEST. duh.

*to the lady wearing a long-sleeved pull over sweater and capri pants - WTF??? you'll cover your arms all the way but not your legs? do i have to give the 'make a decision' speech again? you obviously don't read my blog.

i hate flying.

adios!

i'm leavin' on a jet plane - don't know when i'll be back again...

just kidding - i do know. i'm travelling the next few days for work - y'all be good.

sit back and soak THIS up!

i'll wait a second for you to go find a chair...

life is good. almost great.

i'm going to a wedding reception this weekend...stay tuned for 'scenes from a wedding'. (fred, i'm sure it will be at least as entertaining as my trip to the mall, if not better!)

kisses to you all...