:o)

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

my constant reminder

i proudly wear this ring. not as a fashion statement, and not to broadcast my faith to the world. i wear this ring to constantly remind myself of who i am and of the path that i have chosen for both my daughter and me. it keeps me grounded and lets me know that i will be ok.

tell me about what keeps you grounded and centered...

fighting for

its been a hectic month. things have changed at my office, and not for the better. i'm hanging in - waiting for it to get better. but there's a limit to my patience - i'm being "courted" by another physician group. if the money's right, i think i'll go. this place where i'm working now is just flat out ridiculous.

i started a relationship with a wonderful man who is very VERY far away. its hard. and, at times, its really not even that pleasant. i don't know where this is going - if anywhere. we just can't seem to get it together. patience is not a virtue that i posess.

i will be thirty *gasp* in less than a month. i'm a thirty-year-old divorcee'. i'm a single mom. i, physically, am dating no one. i even have a friggin cat. this is NOT how my life was supposed to turn out.

sorry to be such a downer, you guys...its just where i'm at right now. i think i've lost sight of what i'm supposed to be fighting for.

here i am

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

well...

i wish i had a river i could skate away on.

more when i'm ... me again.

~b

update

no...i'm not dead. just been really busy. i'll write more on sunday...

i just *had* to share

is it over yet?

i have a heavy heart.

a few weeks ago would have been my tenth wedding anniversary. but i didn't make it that far. on a sunny day in july, just hours before my grandmother died, my husband left me. in a phone call. from more than a thousand miles away. then he left the country for six months.

at that time, more than five years ago, i'm sad to say that failure wasn't out of the ordinary for me. i felt like a failure more days of my life than i care to mention. as a mother, as a wife, a friend, a daughter. when i was hit with the cold sting of his goodbye, my world fell apart. i not only had to grieve the loss of my grandmother, i had to face the loss of my marriage - my life. i was 24 years old. still a child, really. my life fell apart and the walls went up. i began to self destruct. i drank more than any person should be allowed. smoked more than any person should be allowed. anything i could think of to numb the pain, even just a little, so that i wouldn't feel so excrutiatingly empty. i remember sitting in my mother's bathroom sobbing with a towel over my face so no one could hear me. i was angry at the world. angry at myself. angry at god. angry at anyone and everyone who would listen. but the words just wouldn't come out.

some days, i'm still angry. some days, i still feel that emptiness inside. some days, i still feel like if i had done just one thing different, then my life wouldn't have turned out this way. but then...i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i think i'm stronger. bolder. more confident. and i have such wonderful things in my life. when i hear his voice, i don't get twisted up inside. when i see him, i no longer cry. i no longer wish for what might have been. i don't ache.

and i wonder - is it over yet?

woot!

i've been put on someone's 'blogs i like to read' list!!!!!

thank you, sassy!!! if i knew how to make a list, i'd put you on it! (and you, too, jen, fred and robin!)

i'm a happy girl!

road rage barbie

is what i have become. traffic is not my friend. if you come over into my lane, i'm going to yell at you. if you don't use your blinker, i'm going to yell at you. if you cut me off, i'm going to yell at you. if you ride my bumper, i'm gonna yell even louder AND give you the bird. i think i need to take some anger management classes. or there's a whole lot of idiots on the road and they need to go back to driver's ed.

scenes from an aircraft

*to the single dad on my right - yes, i will accompany your daughter to the restroom when we land. no, you may not have my phone number.

*to the gentleman on my left wearing a thumb ring, a pink plastic breast cancer awareness bracelet and carrying a (very nice) leather "man bag" - you can talk about your "girlfriend" all you want, but NO ONE believes you. (especially with THAT lisp)

*to the lady wandering around trying to match a seat number with your boarding pass - we're flying on SOUTHWEST. duh.

*to the lady wearing a long-sleeved pull over sweater and capri pants - WTF??? you'll cover your arms all the way but not your legs? do i have to give the 'make a decision' speech again? you obviously don't read my blog.

i hate flying.

adios!

i'm leavin' on a jet plane - don't know when i'll be back again...

just kidding - i do know. i'm travelling the next few days for work - y'all be good.

sit back and soak THIS up!

i'll wait a second for you to go find a chair...

life is good. almost great.

i'm going to a wedding reception this weekend...stay tuned for 'scenes from a wedding'. (fred, i'm sure it will be at least as entertaining as my trip to the mall, if not better!)

kisses to you all...

i will never forget

september 11, 2001

i was in my car on my way to work. i was listening to kidd kraddick - jennifer paige was singing her new single. i stayed in the car long enough to hear her finish, and then headed to my office.

five minutes later, the world stopped.

unimaginable terror swept through me. would we be safe? i worked in an office building - would they come after us, too? no one knew at that time how many planes in the air had been hijacked. would my daughter, in school across town, be safe? our world wouldn't ever be the same.

fast forward a few days...

they're showing video that people took from the center of all of the chaos. most people are focusing on the ashes and destroyed buildings. the only thing i can focus on is the high pitched alarms going on in the background. i started in medicine as an emt. i worked for two fire departments. the sirens are pass (personal alert safety system) alarms. when a firefighter doesn't move for thirty seconds, the pass alarm is activated, and it emits that sound so that others can find him. it knew that many of my fellow brothers and sisters were lying in that rubble. those sounds will haunt me for life.

i pray that you all never forget the striking sounds and images from that day. i pray that you all recognize that civil servants are just as deserving of our honor and respect as the soldiers that serve our country. and i pray that you all are humbled by the thoughts of all of the families that were left behind.

god bless america - my home sweet home.

i surrender

"so you lit her cigarette? you're feelin' pretty good?
you think you've got a shot? most girls, you probably would...
yeah this is that kind of place, but she ain't that kind of girl
you're readin' it all wrong...let me tell you about her...
she only smokes when she drinks; she only drinks now and then...
now and then when she's tired of being let down by men
you can give her a light, but it's not what you think
everybody knows she only drinks alone, and she only smokes when she drinks

did you ask her to dance? let me guess, she told you no
got to take her some place quiet and see how far that goes
oh, don't take it all that hard when she smiles and turns you down
for a complicated girl, she ain't that hard to figure out
she only smokes when she drinks; she only drinks now and then...
now and then when she's tired of being let down by men
you can give her a light, but it's not what you think
everybody knows she only drinks alone, and she only smokes when she drinks"

i've got beer...anybody got a cigarette?

lend a hand

i spent a lot of this holiday weekend volunteering. i thought i would just be giving of my time. but it turned out to be so very much more than that. i gave more of myself than i thought possible, really. my time, my heart, my soul, my every emotion, my tears...my shoulder. these people...these men, women, and children...were unbelievable. Resilient. Stoic. heartbroken. oh...i was so moved.

i started saturday at a medical clinic. we saw a two week old baby with a very high fever, diarrhea, you name it...poor baby. she's in the hospital now. i'm going to see her today. we saw person after person after person that didn't have their meds...along with cuts, bruises, more than a few black eyes...and such sadness. so very much sadness.

then saturday evening i was at a church that opened their family life center to serve as a shelter. we accepted busses full of refugees from the superdome. first, let me say that i have never smelled anything like that in my medical career...i thought i had seen it and smelled it all. boy, was i wrong. the majority of them are shell-shocked, some staring off into space, some weeping...some hugging us...and i tell you i received more 'bless yous' than when i sneeze in church! so many have been separated from their loved ones, craving any piece of information that you can give them. it just broke my heart. and the children? i can't go there...

now i'm going to get on my soapbox for a second. i have read and watched and heard so many people pointing fingers, shifting blame, bitching, complaining...and i've had enough. we can't go back and fix it now. but we can move ahead and let the axes fall where they may. instead, expend your energy getting out and doing something - ANYTHING - for these people who need our help and support so desperately. show your disdain for all those involved at the polls. show your support for the people in the shelters, in the churches, anywhere you can find them. and take some donations to your local animal shelter, as well. people weren't the only ones displaced.

zoiks!

i've been listening and reading about the hurricane...at this stage, there's no way to avoid it.

i lost everything i owned in 1999 thanks to hurricane floyd. but we were ok - we had family and friends and we took care of each other and, eventually, came out ok. so many of these people don't have that. i feel sorry...and i pray.

however...i heard something on the radio this morning that made me sit up in bed and cry. these people, in the coming days, will have to worry about death, disease, and ... alligators.

holy moly! that hadn't even occurred to me.

to all of the people on the east coast suffering from the after-effects of hurricane katrina - i lift you up in prayer. and i donate all of my extra money to the red cross.

for those of you reading this - please do the same.

love lost

i have a half-brother. we have the same father. and i use that term loosely.

we didn't grow up together because we were raised by our respective mothers. but when we spent time together, which was usually every other weekend, we dug each other. i mean, he's my kid brother! we used to have wrestling matches with our dad...back when kerry von erich and the rest of the von erich family were cool. we even had our own wrestling names.

his life wasn't that easy - his mom was a little off, you know the story ... blah blah blah. his mother died a couple of years ago from lung cancer. he got married. he and his wife had a baby...i missed it all, because over the years, we've spent less and less time in the vicinity of each other. our grandfather died a little over a year ago. he sat next to me at the funeral...he laid his head on my shoulder, and he cried in my arms. the first time i've ever actually been there for him when he needed me...and as silly as that sounds, i cherish that.

i have a nephew running around out there that i haven't seen in years.

so today, i was in the car at a stoplight. and he turned right in front of me. my sweet baby brother...blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes. i knew him instantly. he was on his phone. i honked...he didn't notice. i don't know how to find him - i'm not close to that side of my family.

i've lost my brother.

i miss you, bruiser.

here's your sign...or...scene from parent teacher night

teacher ' so, does anyone have any questions? '

dad ' if i want to bring my daughter early to eat breakfast in the cafeteria, do i need to come in to monitor her, or will there be people in there to watch her? '

teacher ' no no there's always people in the cafeteria watching the kids, no matter what time of day it is. we NEVER leave the children unattended. even if i have to go to the bathroom for a second, i still have to get the teacher across the hall to watch the kids '

me, in my head ' jeez, genious, do you think the kids go into the cafeteria and make sausage and eggs all by themselves with no help? i can see my daughter and your daughter both behind the counter with little chef's hats on scrambling up the eggs...and i can hear flo yell 'two eggs over easy and make it quick, mel...and kiss my grits!'.

here's your sign, buddy.

scenes from a mall

* tan face, white white legs. (ladies, if you're going to wear bronzer on your face...please take note that it only makes you look tan if the REST of you is tan).

* a wrap skort on a 40-ish year old woman. (ladies, come on now. we're old enough to not have to worry about little boys looking up our skirts when we're sliding down the slide. i know that, inherently, it is difficult to make decisions, but really...its easy. a skirt or shorts...PICK ONE!! that's like the trend i've seen with women wearing a dress...AND PANTS. sheesh...pick one!)

* flip flops...that cover the length of the foot...but with toes hanging over the edge. ummm...need i say more??

* a very pretty lady looking around to see if anyone heard her fart. yep, i heard ya.

* capri pants, sandals...and pantyhose. HELLO!! its 100 degrees outside...are you nuts??

...and my "get involved in the community" deed for the week...

* a lady got irritated with her kid, which couldn't have been older than four. we were in the shoe department of dillard's, which is right by the entrance/exit. she walked away from her kid, to the register, turned her back, and ignored the poor little girl...for a good two or three minutes. that kid could have been gone in seconds, out the door either on her own or with a kidnapper. thank goodness a security guard happened to be walking by. i had a little chat with him, and he had a wonderful little chat with her. as i was leaving, i saw a fort worth police officer pull up. don't neglect your kids when i'm around...i had a guy arrested in VA for leaving his sleeping daughter in the car. moron.