zoiks!

i've been listening and reading about the hurricane...at this stage, there's no way to avoid it.

i lost everything i owned in 1999 thanks to hurricane floyd. but we were ok - we had family and friends and we took care of each other and, eventually, came out ok. so many of these people don't have that. i feel sorry...and i pray.

however...i heard something on the radio this morning that made me sit up in bed and cry. these people, in the coming days, will have to worry about death, disease, and ... alligators.

holy moly! that hadn't even occurred to me.

to all of the people on the east coast suffering from the after-effects of hurricane katrina - i lift you up in prayer. and i donate all of my extra money to the red cross.

for those of you reading this - please do the same.

love lost

i have a half-brother. we have the same father. and i use that term loosely.

we didn't grow up together because we were raised by our respective mothers. but when we spent time together, which was usually every other weekend, we dug each other. i mean, he's my kid brother! we used to have wrestling matches with our dad...back when kerry von erich and the rest of the von erich family were cool. we even had our own wrestling names.

his life wasn't that easy - his mom was a little off, you know the story ... blah blah blah. his mother died a couple of years ago from lung cancer. he got married. he and his wife had a baby...i missed it all, because over the years, we've spent less and less time in the vicinity of each other. our grandfather died a little over a year ago. he sat next to me at the funeral...he laid his head on my shoulder, and he cried in my arms. the first time i've ever actually been there for him when he needed me...and as silly as that sounds, i cherish that.

i have a nephew running around out there that i haven't seen in years.

so today, i was in the car at a stoplight. and he turned right in front of me. my sweet baby brother...blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes. i knew him instantly. he was on his phone. i honked...he didn't notice. i don't know how to find him - i'm not close to that side of my family.

i've lost my brother.

i miss you, bruiser.

here's your sign...or...scene from parent teacher night

teacher ' so, does anyone have any questions? '

dad ' if i want to bring my daughter early to eat breakfast in the cafeteria, do i need to come in to monitor her, or will there be people in there to watch her? '

teacher ' no no there's always people in the cafeteria watching the kids, no matter what time of day it is. we NEVER leave the children unattended. even if i have to go to the bathroom for a second, i still have to get the teacher across the hall to watch the kids '

me, in my head ' jeez, genious, do you think the kids go into the cafeteria and make sausage and eggs all by themselves with no help? i can see my daughter and your daughter both behind the counter with little chef's hats on scrambling up the eggs...and i can hear flo yell 'two eggs over easy and make it quick, mel...and kiss my grits!'.

here's your sign, buddy.

scenes from a mall

* tan face, white white legs. (ladies, if you're going to wear bronzer on your face...please take note that it only makes you look tan if the REST of you is tan).

* a wrap skort on a 40-ish year old woman. (ladies, come on now. we're old enough to not have to worry about little boys looking up our skirts when we're sliding down the slide. i know that, inherently, it is difficult to make decisions, but really...its easy. a skirt or shorts...PICK ONE!! that's like the trend i've seen with women wearing a dress...AND PANTS. sheesh...pick one!)

* flip flops...that cover the length of the foot...but with toes hanging over the edge. ummm...need i say more??

* a very pretty lady looking around to see if anyone heard her fart. yep, i heard ya.

* capri pants, sandals...and pantyhose. HELLO!! its 100 degrees outside...are you nuts??

...and my "get involved in the community" deed for the week...

* a lady got irritated with her kid, which couldn't have been older than four. we were in the shoe department of dillard's, which is right by the entrance/exit. she walked away from her kid, to the register, turned her back, and ignored the poor little girl...for a good two or three minutes. that kid could have been gone in seconds, out the door either on her own or with a kidnapper. thank goodness a security guard happened to be walking by. i had a little chat with him, and he had a wonderful little chat with her. as i was leaving, i saw a fort worth police officer pull up. don't neglect your kids when i'm around...i had a guy arrested in VA for leaving his sleeping daughter in the car. moron.

stay tuned...

the best is yet to come...

people...write this down...

superglue effing ROCKS!!!

that is all...as you were.


addendum...NO I WASN'T SNIFFING IT!!!

i'm just so full of questions and observations

hi.

i'm forever identifying with the things that other people say and write, as if they were looking into my soul and writing about what they witnessed.

"when i say that i don't care, it really means my engine's breaking down
the chisel chips my heart again, the granite cracks beneath my skin
i crumble into pieces on the ground"

i've said to people that i don't care. i think i say it all the time. but i really do care...i'm just shutting down on the inside, trying not to care...trying not to hurt. why is it that the older we get, the more love seems to be a game, and not a mission? does that even make sense to anyone else but me??


"these independent moves i make, this confidence i try to fake
you can hear the beating of my heart, but not a feather falling in the dark
and everything i hear never makes sense - another old prophet perched on the fence, a cupful of pencils and a self-help guru don't answer the question of what i am to you
how come birds don't fall from the sky when they die?
how come birds always look for a quiet place to hide?
these words can't explain what i feel inside...like birds, i need a quiet place to hide"

birds always know when something is about to happen - when they are sick and getting ready to die. they go find somewhere quiet and out of the way, and they just slip away. recently, a part of me has been dying, and rather than going to a quiet place and just letting it go, i've been fighting like hell to save it. it isn't getting me anywhere...so now i think i'll just go find a quiet place and let it go. at some point, you have to start over. i guess that time is now. but "i don't fear being touched...i fear being let go". again...am i making any sense?

however...while i was writing this, a glimmer of hope showed up on my screen. this will be interesting...or its just more evidence that i'm really losing my mind...

kelly clarkson said it best...i'm a beautiful disaster.

*sigh*

you know that song lyric 'the first cut is the deepest'?

its a big fat lie.

every cut is just as bad as the first, if not worse. its like pouring salt into an open wound.

so...yeah...i have a question

everyone i know is posting pics of themselves and their kids on their blogs...should i post mine??

pics, part 2

this gentleman hadn't seen his son...ever. and this is his sweet little wife...he was one of the last ones off the plane!!

pics of the flight

i wrote a few weeks ago about a flight of troops coming home ... here ya go!

five years ago today

"saw a man in the movies that didn't have a heart
how i wish i could give him mine
then i wouldnt have to feel it breaking all apart, and this emptiness inside would suit me fine

its times like these i wish i were the tin man
you could hurt me all you wanted...i'd never even know
i'd give anything just to be the tin man...
i wouldn't have a heart, and i wouldn't need a soul

i couldn't see your leaving coming, it took me by surprise
even now, still seems like a dream
but i know i cant be dreaming cuz as i lay down each night, the pain's so great that it won't let me sleep

its times like these i wish i were the tin man
you could hurt me all you wanted...i'd never even know
well i'd give anything just to be the tin man
i wouldn't have a heart, and i wouldn't need a soul
i'd give anything just to be the tin man
i wouldnt have a heart
and i wouldn't miss you so "

it still feels like it just happened...all of it. sometimes i still wonder how i came through it and made it to the other side.

i think of you every day. i miss you every day. and i can't wait until the day that i can see you again.

i love you ... and i thank you for everything you taught me. your great-granddaughter is getting bigger every day, and is becoming quite the young lady. thank you for giving me the tools to bring her up the right way.

again - i love you. and i miss you.

remember our conversations and read between the lines

its very rare that i mention names here, because for the most part, i like to remain anonymous. only a few people that actually know me have this web address, and i like it that way. i've used this as a forum, however, to communicate things that i have found difficult to address in real life. i tend to be a better writer than speaker, and at times, i have used the words of other people to get my point across. this is no exception...and to the person this is for - you know who you are. we talked about this very thing in a conversation a couple of nights ago. i can't sleep, i've had this song on my mind all day, and i hope my mind will stop spinning once i get this out.

"i hope it’s not too late to call, i couldn’t wait a moment more
i don’t know what else to do, i need to ask a favor...
check behind each of your doors, search throughout your rooms and halls
secret corners, look there too...i think i left my heart with you
don’t forget to remember, cuz you’re always on my mind...
i don’t care if i’ve lost my heart this time
if you find it, keep it safe - wrapped within your warm embrace
i could be wrong, that’s nothing new...but i think i left my heart with you
don’t forget to remember, cuz you’re always on my mind...
i don’t care if I’ve lost my heart this time
i’m not beggin’ but …maybe you could be so kind to make a home for this heart of mine
maybe i could live there too...i think i left my heart with you
think i left my heart...i think i left my heart with you"

i don't think it, i know it, though. and i'm fairly sure that i don't want it back, no matter how difficult, no matter how long it takes.

~b

to the a**holes that live above me

hello. my name is brandi. i'm the short chick with the dark hair that has repeatedly had to BANG ON YOUR DOOR at 3 am. its funny, i know you're there because i can hear you, and you wake my daughter up, but you NEVER ANSWER THE FRIGGIN DOOR! here's your final notice...i *do not* want to hear you banging around in your laundry room at 6:30 am. i *do not* want to hear your fat dog running around in circles in your apartment. i *do not* want to hear your loud entries into your apartment at 3am after an evening out. i *do not* want to hear you open your sliding glass door a million times after 9pm. i *do not* want to hear said dog barking and howling after 9pm...i *am* a hunter, i *do* know how to use a firearm, and i am *always* looking for target practice. beagles are perfect for said target practice. i *do not* want to hear you slam your front door EVER AGAIN. furthermore, i have a SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. i am a SINGLE PARENT, which means that at the end of the day, i am exhausted and at the end of my rope. excessive noise when i'm trying to sleep is likely to send me over the edge. here's your final notice - i HAVE COMPLAINED to the management. the next knock on your door will NOT be me...it will be the HURST POLICE DEPARTMENT. and they are NOT nice people - haven't you seen how many tickets they write at the end of the month?

there...i feel better. thanks, friends, for indulging my rant. i just had to get that off my chest. and please excuse my language...i'm usually not that profane.

the sting of a grateful american

hi.

i had the most amazing opportunity this morning, and i have to share it.

i live in hurst, which is a suburb of fort worth. i live 15 minutes from d/fw international airport. there are flights arriving daily from kuwait city - they're called r&r flights - of soldiers coming home from the war. i went today to support, to cheer, and to thank these wonderful men and women for fighting in this war, and every war that came before. i will never ever forget the looks of these awesome heroes walking off of that airplane, hugging us, shaking our hands, accepting our thanks. they deserve so very much more than that. i even saw lots of tears (some of which were my own).

i was so proud to be standing amongst such fine americans. i heard lots of 'welcome home, soldier', 'thank you for your hard work, ma'am', 'god bless you', 'good job', and several 'let me help you with that heavy load you've got there's. i've said this before, and i'll say it again. i implore you to shake the hand of someone - anyone - that you see in a uniform, whether it be civil service or military, and thank them for all that they do. i know this may not be a war that everyone agrees with, but those men and women deserve our support and thanks just the same.

greeting these flights will now be something that i do often. if you live around here, or you are ever in the area, give me a shout and i'll tell you how to get the incoming flight information - they do come in every day. i'm looking forward to independence day...that's where i'll be.

the palms of my hands still sting from all of the clapping - and i am grateful.

holy moses!

ok, i whined about the financial planning seminar yesterday, but believe it or not, i actually learned some valuable stuff. did you know that the average woman becomes a widow at the age of 56? and 25% of those widows go through their husband's death benefit in TWO MONTHS!! women are out of the workforce an average of 11 1/2 years longer than men due to childbirth and child-rearing, so while men need to save about 10% of their income per year, to make up for the defecit, women need to save **12%**. i'll be 30 years old this year...so if i start saving $11 a day until i retire, i will have saved over a million and a half dollars. i'm off to the bank...!!!

ladies - go buy a copy of the book 'smart women finish rich'. its not really about making a whole lot of money, its about prioritizing your life and identifying your goals vs. your values to live your life to its fullest, so your happier in your everyday life *and* you can save for your retirement. its a great tool for us.

i have another story to share this evening about what i did this morning...i almost feel like i have a life again!!!

blogging blues

hello, boys and girls. i have been using a lot of lyrics lately to communicate because NOTHING NEW is going on in my life. isn't that sad? i work from home, so nothing interesting happens to me here. my daughter's babysitter is upstairs, so i don't actually have to leave to take her somewhere. i got a pedicure today...big whoop. larry the cat is even bored with me - she's been sleeping all day. the tadpole is still a tadpole...i'm as boring as they get. i'm going to a financial planning seminar tonight...sound boring? YEP. i don't even have any funny jokes to tell. i think i might have 'blogger's block'. anyone know where the action is around here???

for guy

in every heart there is a room - a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past until a new one comes along
i spoke to you in cautious tones, you answered me with no pretense
and still i feel i said too much - my silence is my self defense
and every time i've held a rose, it seems i only felt the thorns
and so it goes, and so it goes...and so will you soon, i suppose
but if my silence made you leave, then that would be my worst mistake
so i will share this room with you, and you can have this heart to break
and this is why my eyes are closed...it's just as well, for all i've seen
and so it goes, and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows
so i would choose to be with you - that's if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break
and so it goes, and so it goes...and you're the only one who knows

courtesy of kelly clarkson

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did - you fell so hard
i've learned the hard way to never let it get that far
because of you

i never stray too far from the sidewalk because of you
i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt because of you
i find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid, i lose my way, and its not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know that's weakness in your eyes

i'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with
i watched you die
i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young
you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else - you just saw your pain
and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing because of you
because of you

because of you i am afraid
because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because its empty
because of you i am afraid
because of you.

my occupation

i'm an electroneurodiagnostic technologist. to simplify - i shock people for a living. in man terms, I 'run diagnostics' on the brain, spine, central and peripheral nervous systems. i talked about this a long time ago; it was, i believe, my second post...gosh, that seems like forever ago...almost a lifetime! i hook electrodes up to people...depending on the problem. electrodes on the foot, leg, thigh, arm, hand, wrist, cervical and/or lumbar spine, head...and that's just the beginning. i then shock them with something that closely resembles a stun gun. the computer at the other end of the electrodes makes a map of the nerve's function, and the 'puter spits out all kinds of numbers. all of that stuff is interpreted, and live moves on from there. however...now that i'm the only one in the company other than the doctor that owns it, i am now the marketer, the scheduler, the person in charge of making sure the billing is done correctly...and anything and everything else that needs to be done. some days i work several hours...many days, i don't work at all. nooooooooooo problems there! sure, i'll take a paycheck to get a tan. why not??

i'm enjoying your responses to your favorite love songs. i know its hard to choose - there are so many out there. keep them coming, though...even if you've already left me one. i'm a die-hard, hopeless romantic, and the songs make me smile...but leave them, even if they make me cry!
here's another of my favorites...'i go crazy' by paul davis

hello girl it's been awhile
guess you'll be glad to know that i've learned how to laugh and smile
getting over you was slow
they say old lovers can be good friends, but i never thought i'd really see you...i'd really see you again
i go crazy when i look in your eyes
i still go crazy...no my heart just can't hide that old feelin' inside
way deep down inside
oh baby, you know when i look in your eyes i go crazy
you say he satifies your mind
tells you all of his dreams...i know how much that means to you
i realize that i was blind
just when i thought i was over you, i see your face and it just ain't true
no it just ain't true
i go crazy when i look in your eyes
i still go crazy
that old flame comes alive, it starts burning inside...way deep down inside
oh baby, you know when i look in your eyes i go crazy"

talk to me!

love and light...
~sparky