i'm just so full of questions and observations

hi.

i'm forever identifying with the things that other people say and write, as if they were looking into my soul and writing about what they witnessed.

"when i say that i don't care, it really means my engine's breaking down
the chisel chips my heart again, the granite cracks beneath my skin
i crumble into pieces on the ground"

i've said to people that i don't care. i think i say it all the time. but i really do care...i'm just shutting down on the inside, trying not to care...trying not to hurt. why is it that the older we get, the more love seems to be a game, and not a mission? does that even make sense to anyone else but me??


"these independent moves i make, this confidence i try to fake
you can hear the beating of my heart, but not a feather falling in the dark
and everything i hear never makes sense - another old prophet perched on the fence, a cupful of pencils and a self-help guru don't answer the question of what i am to you
how come birds don't fall from the sky when they die?
how come birds always look for a quiet place to hide?
these words can't explain what i feel inside...like birds, i need a quiet place to hide"

birds always know when something is about to happen - when they are sick and getting ready to die. they go find somewhere quiet and out of the way, and they just slip away. recently, a part of me has been dying, and rather than going to a quiet place and just letting it go, i've been fighting like hell to save it. it isn't getting me anywhere...so now i think i'll just go find a quiet place and let it go. at some point, you have to start over. i guess that time is now. but "i don't fear being touched...i fear being let go". again...am i making any sense?

however...while i was writing this, a glimmer of hope showed up on my screen. this will be interesting...or its just more evidence that i'm really losing my mind...

kelly clarkson said it best...i'm a beautiful disaster.