Sparky's Thoughts

i'm not ignoring you...

2009-01-05T11:42:00.002-05:00

my husband is coming home thursday!!

so - shout out to my new adoptive mom renee (i totally heart you)...

but in the last week and a half, i've -

driven a 26 foot uhaul
moved a kid, a cat, a dog, two hermit crabs and a fish
bought a mattress set
bought a washer and a dryer
contributed to the delinquency of an almost-minor (nope, i'm not telling)
left my mom's house - AGAIN -

all without the assistance of recreational drugs (why, god, why??)

i'll post pics and be back soon...hopefully all will be settled so that i don't lose my mind...'cuz i'm pretty damn close!

my love to you all and best wishes for a happy new year.

if i were a boy

2008-11-16T11:11:00.003-05:00

yeah...i'm totally stealing the title from beyonce. so what?

*i would put the toilet seat down. and i might even take a smidge of toilet paper and clean the dribble i made before i put the toilet seat down, thus making it less disgusting for you when you clean said toilet.

*i would say 'excuse me' when i burped...or farted...yes, even if it was silent, because i want to acknowledge that i'm singe-ing your nosehairs, out of politeness.

*i would make a concentrated effort at looking you in the face, even if there is a decent amount of cleavage showing...especially if you are speaking. after all, somewhere in my brain, it is registering that your voice is coming out of your mouth, which is on your face...and not your boobs...

*i would do the dishes...even if it is just once a month. i know you worked hard on dinner, and i don't want you to have to ... oh who am i kidding? did i really just type this?

*i would ask you what movie you wanted to see...and then i might actually sit there and watch it...and not sigh loudly when the girls on the screen are bitching about their boyfriends/husbands/lovers for the the kazillionth time.

*i would walk out of the room when you ask me "baby do these jeans make my ass look big" so i could avoid ... well ... you know. that just NEVER ends well.

*i wouldn't give you a hard time about the purse you just bought. :o)~

*hell, i might even buy you a new purse if i see a cute one at the mall. yeah...i just typed that, too. you do realize this is a work of fiction, right?

*i wouldn't make you go to wal mart ever again. i know that it makes you want to kill yourself, what with the screaming children, the impossible to navigate aisles, the scores of people who don't speak the same language that we speak, the fact that your friend calls it so swimming with germs its just like a fucking petri dish, and the scary blue vests, so if we need something i will take the kids and give you some alone time and i will go by myself.

*i would light some candles in the bedroom, turn down the comforter before bedtime...and let you read yourself to sleep. (and possibly call 911 when the candles set the curtains on fire).

little house on fort hood

2008-11-04T22:37:00.004-05:00

i went to sign for my house today. its so cute! new appliances in the kitchen, the carpet is almost new, its got lots of windows and great light - and lots of shade from the trees. i ended up with what they call a "bonus" room - THREE bedrooms!! yay! we were only supposed to get two. but...they don't provide you with a fence. i have to rent a fence. like i rent a movie. wierd, right? whatever. i have a house!

so as i'm driving home...out of the corner of my eye, i see this really big dog and i kind of veer off to the right to get a better look at it. only...its not a dog. its a wild boar. and i'm explaining this to my mom and my daughter who are, of course, not paying attention. i say - "how could you miss it? its a wild hog! H-O-G...PIG!" "umm...that's not how you spell pig" my daughter says. we can't all be geniuses.

the move

2008-09-17T22:12:00.002-04:00

why i’m moving
i can not even begin to tell you how many times i have been asked why i am moving. why i married the man i did...why i'm picking up and moving my family when the rest of my family and my lifelong friends are here. i discovered this today - and i couldn't have put it more eloquently.

What is a MILITARY Wife?

They may look different and each is wonderfully unique, but this what they have in common.

They have THIS IN COMMON!
Lots of moving---
Moving.
Moving.
Moving far from home.
Moving two cars, three kids and one dog----all riding with HER of course.
Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house.
Moving curtains that won't fit.
Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours.
Moving away from friends, moving toward new friends.
Moving her most important luggage; her trunkful of memories.
Often waiting-
Waiting, waiting, waiting for housing; waiting for orders; waiting for deployment; waiting for reunion; waiting for phones calls; Waiting for the new curtains to arrive; waiting for him to come home for dinner----AGAIN!
They call her 'military dependent', but she knows better.
She can balance a checkbook.
Handle the yard work.
Fix a noisy toilet.
She is intimately familiar with drywall, anchors, and toggle bolts.
She can file the taxes, sell a house, buy a car, or set up a move, -- all with ONE Power of Attorney.
She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her.
Reinvents her career with every PCS; locates a house in the desert, the arctic, or the deep south and learns to call them all 'home'.
She MAKES them all home.
She is fiercely IN-dependent.
Military Wives are somewhat hasty.
They leap into decorating, leadership, volunteering, career alternatives, churches and friendships.
They don't have 15 years to get to know people.
Their roots are short but flexible.
They plant annuals for themselves and Perennials for those who come after them.
Military Wives quickly learn to value each other.
They connect over coffee, rely on the spouse-network and accept offers of friendship and favors and record addresses in pencil.
Military Wives have a common bond.
The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands his commitment is unique. He doesn't have a job, he has a 'mission' he can't just decide to quit he's on-call for his country 24/7 but for you, he's the most unreliable guy in town!
His language is foreign:
TDY
PCS
OPR
ACC
BDU
And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.
She is the long-distance link to keep them informed the glue that holds them together.
Military Wife has her moments----
She wants to wring his neck, dye his uniform pink, and refuse to move to Siberia.
But she pulls herself together.
Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a long hot bath, a pledge to the flag, and a wedding picture.
And she goes.
She packs.
She moves.
She follows.
Why?
What for?
How come?
You may think it is because she has lost her mind.
But actually it is because she has lost her heart.
It was stolen from her by a man...
Who puts duty first.
Who longs to deploy.
Who salutes the flag.
And whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military husband,
She will remain his Military wife.
my love to you all -

mrs.b

the bottle

2008-09-14T23:03:00.003-04:00

there is a bottle of cologne buried in my top drawer. i can't bear to have it out on the dresser when you're not here. i had it out the first few days after you went back to iraq, but every time i would look at it, i would ache for you.

i came across it today - as i do most days. and when i see it it makes me sad. it floods my brain with memories of when you were here for 18 days and you belonged only to us. not to your country, not to this war. not to the people who take their freedom for granted, and not to the people who will exercise their ability to change what is wrong with this country. just to your family, the people who love you and want to protect you from the violence and the death and the bloodshed. you are such a good man - a strong man, doing what you do for all of us over here who can't seem to get it right.

and when i take the top off of that bottle and inhale the scent, it makes me weak.

come home soon, and come home safe.

not so bright husband + smart ass wife = funny

2008-09-13T11:46:00.002-04:00

i was married before, very very young, to my daughter's father. we got married in 1995, almost right out of high school.

i was, however, a smart ass back then, too. :)

he and i only had one "physical altercation" in our marriage, about a month after we got married. his mother and father bought tickets to the pbr {professional bull riding} finals - in vegas - for them and his sister...and they left me out, knowing he would be married to me. i tried to stop him from going, he pushed me down and out of the way, and proceeded to leave. and i was alone for four days.

so...when he came back, i told him that i had gone to the doctor and gotten on birth control pills. and i carefully explained to him that the seven pills that are a different color are the pills that HE is supposed to take.

not a good idea to marry a smart ass. ;)

addendum

2008-09-11T12:02:00.001-04:00

i added an addendum to the 'update' post...scroll down a bit...

love -

the voice of reason

2008-09-10T11:23:00.002-04:00

so my bff and i went on an adventure a few weeks ago - we went to sprinkles cupcakes {which is a WHOOOLE 'NOTHER BLOG}. so i live in a small po-dunk town ... and sprinkles cupcakes is in the big city of dallas. my bff drives an envoy...and the envoy is equipped with that beautiful thing known as on-star. she calls and asks for directions...has them downloaded to the vehicle...and it talks us through our route.

so we're driving and the automated man is talking us through it...its just like having the normal gps system that talks to you. but kp knows dallas and she decides to take a short cut that is off of the route that it has decided to take us through. as soon as she veers off of the route, it goes apeshit. telling us we need to turn around...blah blah blah. but - in a WOMAN'S voice. hahahahHAHAHAAHA. i looked at her and i said 'dude...its like driving with a pissed off married couple! you take one wrong turn and the wife starts bitching at you'.

new icon for the hubster's myspace

2008-09-09T20:06:00.001-04:00

update

2008-09-07T13:25:00.003-04:00

so - obviously blake has gone back to iraq to complete his deployment.

i had my appendix taken out this week and had more adhesions lasered out of my abdomen...damn scar tissue.

so i've been hopped up on drugs for a few days. woot!

senator mccain has picked a woman as his running mate. not a qualified woman - just a woman. a woman that he had previously met ONCE. that has less than two years experience as a governor and, before that, was a mayor of a small town. in ALASKA. had you ever heard of her? yeah...me, either. *sigh*. yes, she's a woman. yes, she has a family. yes, she has a son about to go off to war. yes, she's a christian. yes, there are all of these things that make her a wonderful person. but they don't make her qualified to lead this country. do you really want to vote for a party who's vp candidate was competing in beauty pageants while the other presidential candidate was studying international relations at columbia university?she sued the bush administration for listing polar bears as a threatened species - she was worried it would interfere with more oil drilling in alaska, and she also feels that humans AREN'T the cause of the climate change. {global warming}. (HUH?!?) she is STRONGLY anti-choice, even in cases of rape and incest. now i am not a big abortion fan, but i don't feel like anyone should be able to tell you what you can and can't do with your body. as a woman, i am insulted that john mccain would pick her instead of a better suited, more experienced woman. he just wanted a female puppett.

*addendum*

i hear all of these women - i.e. elisabeth hasselbeck - getting so excited about her when really they should be pissed off at john mccain for this assinine choice. they should be OFFENDED that john mccain has insulted their intelligence by trying to pass this woman off as a viable choice for that office. when you do the math, its highly unlikely that his age will carry him through the first term. do you really want her answering the red phone at 3am when vladimir putin calls? i sure as hell don't. i see these ads saying how she "took on the big ole boys in the republican party" blah blah blah. do they research. she didn't. what she did was throw some dude under the bus - and then LEAVE the party. and she didn't sell that damn jet on ebay - and she sure as hell didn't make a profit on it. she listed it on ebay, it didn't sell - then it was sold by a private jet agency, and they lost money.

the hype around her - i can't wait for the shine to tarnish. because its a lot of bs. and i'm angry. as a woman, you should be, too - no matter what party you belong to.

my love is home

2008-07-31T22:44:00.000-04:00

ack!

2008-07-27T21:25:00.002-04:00

i know, I KNOW, i'm in trouble because i haven't posted in awhile. but my husband is coming home for r&r and i have been running around absolutely crazy trying to get everything ready. we're going away for a mini honeymoon, just the two of us, then the week after we're taking our girls out of town for a mini family vacay. so i've had to get everything together for him so he wouldn't have to bring it back home from iraq - and then take it back AGAIN...plus get the house ready, blah blah blah. and do it all without having a FUCKING NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!!

can i have a valium with a vodka chaser, please?

they keep pushing his flight back - he should have been here this weekend, but now he might not be here until maybe NEXT weekend. so he's very stressed out. and its hard to keep a man calm who's on the other side of the world...and armed. :)

valium...vodka...PLEASE...??

did i mention that i'm surprising him at the airport with anyone and everyone i can get there? he thinks its just going to be me there. but nope, he deserves better than that. his mom and sisters and their spouses, his daughter, my daughter, my family, his nieces and nephew, friends from church...our friends. ANYONE who i can POSSIBLY get to be there that has supported us through this mess is going to be there to greet him when he steps off that plane because he deserves it. but its hard as hell to organize that when i have no friggin idea when he's going to be home...stupid ass war.

VALIUM...VODKA...NOW!!!

love you all...

some people will do anything for a little spark

2008-07-04T22:54:00.003-04:00

so, the hubster called today to check on me.

i gave him the usual updates - everyone is doing fine, we love you, we miss you, and we can't wait to see you when you come home. so - he proceeds to tell me how HIS fourth went.

i'll tell you now - the fourth of july is his FAVORITE holiday - bar none.

they didn't have any fireworks. so what did they do? they went on top of the grainerie and shot off flares.

*hee hee*

the man i'm proud to call my husband

2008-06-15T22:24:00.002-04:00

i met the most wonderful man in the world when i was very young - i was in high school. to hear him tell it, he had a crush on me, even back then. i, however, had a boyfriend.

fast forward about twelve years, and here we are. thanks to the beauty of myspace, we reconnected because we are both registered as alums with our high school. three months later, we were married by a judge in a court room. 28 days after that, he deployed to iraq.

i knew on our first date that he was the one for me. i wanted to stare into his eyes all night long. i never wanted to leave his side. we had a long distance relationship before - and after - our marriage. he drove from fort hood to fort worth almost every weekend for three months.

he has a daughter that is two weeks older than my daughter, and our girls are the very best of friends. i couldn't believe my luck. this wonderful man and this beautiful little girl completed my family. he has formed a very special bond with my daughter. she has never before told another man, other than her own father, that she loves him. and she very rarely says it to her own father. but she speaks it very freely with him, and he feels like she is his own.

he gives me not only everything i want, but he gives me everything i have ever needed in a relationship - and he doesn't even know it. i don't even have to speak it. he just knows. i've never known a love like this, and i am so grateful for him.

so, on this father's day - so many fathers are overseas fighting in a war that no longer makes sense to me. only now, one of those fathers is also my husband. please - while you are holding your children and kissing them goodnight, and they are telling you happy father's day - say a prayer for those fathers that are unable to wrap their own arms around their own children. and say a prayer for those children who have lost their dads in this war.

i love you, blake.

come home soon.

stupid is as stupid does

2008-06-14T10:30:00.002-04:00

so the other day i'm driving around the corner to pick up my daughter from daycare and i drive up on a car accident that has just taken place. one car is on its side and the other is in the grass on the opposite side of the street. i used to be a paramedic - so i figure i better stop and check it out - make sure no one is seriously injured before the real people show up. {now before this happens, i take off my name badge - i don't stop often, in fact hardly ever, and i don't want anyone to know my name or where they can find me later}.

so i'm across the street from this car on its side still when i notice that three other guys are trying to rock it so that its upright again. while the guy is still in it. there's traffic moving, so i yell "guys - you need to wait for the fire department to get here". this big burly dude yells back "I AM FIRE DEPARTMENT". oh shit. here we go.

so i literally run across the street. and i am not a fan of the physical activity. i go stand next to this guy and i say "which fire department do you work for". he stops and looks down at me and says "why?". i say "because a) i want to know which town to never get into a car accident in and b) i want to know which fire chief to call to have your licenses pulled when you break this poor guy's face. this vehicle is not leaking fuel, nor is it on fire - so the three of you need to back off and need to wait for the real emergency personnel to arrive - " why in the hell would anyone in their right mind want to turn a vehicle upright when someone is still in it?? especially someone who says he's with a fire department? cripes!

the other two guys were like "she's right, dude, we need to wait". the big burly dude? didn't have much of a choice...he certainly couldn't right that vehicle on his own.

and i? quietly disappeared when i heard sirens approaching.

renewed purpose

2008-06-10T21:11:00.004-04:00

i am drugged. sinuses are causing me great pain.

i have a new purpose in life.

is surfing websites looking for cute icons to put on your husbands myspace a purpose?

surely it is. i am destined for greatness.

case in point?

between that and pestering my sister in law about our next lunch date {someone has to keep me company while my husband is away}, my daytimer is pretty much full.

visit my 2005 blogs...

2008-06-06T23:20:00.002-04:00

ok, for some of my long-time readers, you will recall when i went to d/fw airport to greet a group of soldiers returning from iraq on an r&r flight from kuwait city. there are pics on my blog - its in the 2005 archive.

you know what? i'm going back to greet again in a couple of months. only this time - i'll be greeting my husband.

:)

love you guys.

awards day

2008-06-06T14:18:00.002-04:00

i, as a parent, have always hated awards day...i'm not a "soccer mom", i don't like crowds, and i don't socialize with parents. that's just not the way i roll. so going up to the school for awards day is just not my cup of tea. but i always go to support the kids and i love to see the way pete's face lights up when she sees me sitting in the bleachers.

my daughter just finished 4th grade. so this was my 5th awards ceremony. last year was the first time i had ever noticed a kid get left out. this teacher had called up all of her kids to give them some sort of award, except for this one little boy - and he was left sitting in his chair, all by himself. and it broke my heart.

pete has gone to the same school since first grade, and i have seen the same six or seven kids get their names called over and over and over again...but most teachers will make up silly little awards to make sure that each kid gets something, and that no kid gets left out. every other year, my daughter has gotten the art award. she's very creative, very artistic. they don't have an art class, but the teachers have always acknowledged that ability in her. this year? notsomuch. in fact, that little boy from last year was my daughter.

here's the thing. i'm very aware of my daughter's strengths and flaws. i'm not one of those moms who thinks their kid is perfect and should have had her name called ten times. academically, she's fairly average. she's decent. she's a good speller, she reads like a champ, she loves science but doesn't always get the best grades, she's fair at history, and, like her dad, she sucks {royally} at math.

but what she is extraordinary at is being a kid. at being a friend. you wanna go hang out on the playground? pete's your girl. wanna play nintendo ds and watch movies? call my kid. want somebody to fix you some muffin tops and glass of milk and sit on the front porch and watch the world go by? she's a champ at that. she's got the biggest heart and the best smile and the greatest personality. how could that go unrecognized? so what if your kid is good at math and can maintain a 100 in spelling? my kid wants to be your kid's friend even though your kid is a nerd :) and i love her more than anything. so the fact that she sat there through that whole ceremony with a smile on her face and congratulated all of those other kids ... i was really surprised that, like the other teachers, hers didn't just make something up. so i took her home early. and her teacher wouldn't even look me in the eye. you would think that, somewhere along the line, something would have happened - her teacher would be upset with me or something. nope...nothing like that. so that just makes the mystery even bigger. i just don't get it. she's just a kid!

oh, and by the way - you should probably rethink that outfit. i wouldn't even wear that to the mall. in 1994.

round five - DING!

2008-04-14T21:23:00.002-04:00

so - i had sinus surgery in december. now i'm right in the middle of my fifth sinus infection post-surgery. i went to visit my ent on friday...and he wants to "do a culture".

again.

so...they squirt this numbing solution up both sides of my nose. and wait. within minutes, i can no longer feel my nose or the roof of my mouth. as fun as this may sound, trust me - its SO NOT.

he comes back in and attaches the gay thingie to his head with the lamp and mirror on it - you know, the thing they always put in doctor kits, but you've never REALLY seen a doctor wear? well, my gay ass doctor wears it. then he sticks the scope dealie up my nose. which, really, is no big deal, because i've been down this road before...a few times. but here comes the culture part. and its no picnic. but he's feeling frisky today, and he sticks it so far up my nose i swear to santa clause i think its going to come out of my fucking eyeball.

and then - we're done. you would think after all of that violation, i would get some sort of gratification - orgasmically speaking...nah. i don't even get any good drugs. we have to wait to see if it "grows anything". eew!

meanwhile, my nose wants to be taken out to dinner.

wow - its been a hott minute

2008-04-05T22:04:00.002-04:00

i've got some wierd mutation of the monkey pox, so i'm gonna make this update quick -

i'm married!
i've got a step-daughter!
my own daughter is now -10-!!

wierd, right??

when i'm not on my death bed, i'll be back up and running :)

so where have i been?

2006-06-21T16:37:00.000-04:00

trying to get my head on straight? trying to feel better? trying to get well? to all of these questions, yes. and then some. healing is a never-ending process, i have learned. i've grown tired of the setbacks. i'm slowly pushing the cobwebs from my mind and moving onward through the fog.

i have a new, permanent job in an office that does not require me to travel to zap my patients! woot! that makes me happy. i work with great people. its just great.

love life still kinda sucks...but i'll deal with that as it comes.

i wonder if i will ever really belong to someone again...or if i will always seem to be floating around aimlessly in the wind.

tell me - what is new with you guys?

i'm back i'm back i'm back

2006-06-19T12:53:00.000-04:00

i'll get going here in the next couple of hours...but i'm back.

www.myspace.com/sparkydiva

hugs and kisses - i've missed you guys

b

i'm still here

2006-02-05T13:17:00.000-05:00

hey, guys.

i haven't fallen off of the planet - i promise. i've been not-well, and spending a lot of time at my mother's. i'll be back soon, as soon as all of this is taken care of and i'm back of my proverbial feet again...keep your fingers crossed, and say a few prayers for me.

to all of my girls that i've "met" through miss jen *and jen* - i miss bantering with you guys. i think of you often, and i'll be back soon.

b

coming soon to a blog near you...

2005-12-26T17:18:00.000-05:00

harvey the wonder dog.

stay tuned...

when?

2005-12-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

when do you say enough is enough? that you're tired of the lack of calls? that you're tired of your phone calls not being returned? that you're tired of it taking well into the next day for the plain and simple acknowledgement of YOUR phone call that went unanswered? long distance relationships are a bitch in the first place...when the phone is , temporarily, all you have, you either use it or get stuck in a place like this one.

(yes, guy, i can hear you laughing and i can hear you saying something about karma being a bitch...and it is.)

when, exactly, do you say i'm done?

i'll tell you now - i'm done.

...and work isn't getting any better, either.

BUT I'M STILL FRIGGIN' SMILING!

:o)

2005-11-27T13:18:00.000-05:00

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

my constant reminder

2005-11-27T01:11:00.000-05:00

i proudly wear this ring. not as a fashion statement, and not to broadcast my faith to the world. i wear this ring to constantly remind myself of who i am and of the path that i have chosen for both my daughter and me. it keeps me grounded and lets me know that i will be ok.

tell me about what keeps you grounded and centered...

fighting for

2005-11-25T18:39:00.000-05:00

its been a hectic month. things have changed at my office, and not for the better. i'm hanging in - waiting for it to get better. but there's a limit to my patience - i'm being "courted" by another physician group. if the money's right, i think i'll go. this place where i'm working now is just flat out ridiculous.

i started a relationship with a wonderful man who is very VERY far away. its hard. and, at times, its really not even that pleasant. i don't know where this is going - if anywhere. we just can't seem to get it together. patience is not a virtue that i posess.

i will be thirty *gasp* in less than a month. i'm a thirty-year-old divorcee'. i'm a single mom. i, physically, am dating no one. i even have a friggin cat. this is NOT how my life was supposed to turn out.

sorry to be such a downer, you guys...its just where i'm at right now. i think i've lost sight of what i'm supposed to be fighting for.

here i am

2005-11-13T13:15:00.000-05:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

well...

2005-11-09T23:05:00.000-05:00

i wish i had a river i could skate away on.

more when i'm ... me again.

~b

update

2005-11-05T09:57:00.000-05:00

no...i'm not dead. just been really busy. i'll write more on sunday...

i just had to share

2005-10-20T19:52:00.000-04:00

is it over yet?

2005-10-10T21:47:00.000-04:00

i have a heavy heart.

a few weeks ago would have been my tenth wedding anniversary. but i didn't make it that far. on a sunny day in july, just hours before my grandmother died, my husband left me. in a phone call. from more than a thousand miles away. then he left the country for six months.

at that time, more than five years ago, i'm sad to say that failure wasn't out of the ordinary for me. i felt like a failure more days of my life than i care to mention. as a mother, as a wife, a friend, a daughter. when i was hit with the cold sting of his goodbye, my world fell apart. i not only had to grieve the loss of my grandmother, i had to face the loss of my marriage - my life. i was 24 years old. still a child, really. my life fell apart and the walls went up. i began to self destruct. i drank more than any person should be allowed. smoked more than any person should be allowed. anything i could think of to numb the pain, even just a little, so that i wouldn't feel so excrutiatingly empty. i remember sitting in my mother's bathroom sobbing with a towel over my face so no one could hear me. i was angry at the world. angry at myself. angry at god. angry at anyone and everyone who would listen. but the words just wouldn't come out.

some days, i'm still angry. some days, i still feel that emptiness inside. some days, i still feel like if i had done just one thing different, then my life wouldn't have turned out this way. but then...i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i think i'm stronger. bolder. more confident. and i have such wonderful things in my life. when i hear his voice, i don't get twisted up inside. when i see him, i no longer cry. i no longer wish for what might have been. i don't ache.

and i wonder - is it over yet?

woot!

2005-09-28T21:28:00.000-04:00

i've been put on someone's 'blogs i like to read' list!!!!!

thank you, sassy!!! if i knew how to make a list, i'd put you on it! (and you, too, jen, fred and robin!)

i'm a happy girl!

road rage barbie

2005-09-28T19:12:00.000-04:00

is what i have become. traffic is not my friend. if you come over into my lane, i'm going to yell at you. if you don't use your blinker, i'm going to yell at you. if you cut me off, i'm going to yell at you. if you ride my bumper, i'm gonna yell even louder AND give you the bird. i think i need to take some anger management classes. or there's a whole lot of idiots on the road and they need to go back to driver's ed.

scenes from an aircraft

2005-09-23T17:06:00.000-04:00

*to the single dad on my right - yes, i will accompany your daughter to the restroom when we land. no, you may not have my phone number.

*to the gentleman on my left wearing a thumb ring, a pink plastic breast cancer awareness bracelet and carrying a (very nice) leather "man bag" - you can talk about your "girlfriend" all you want, but NO ONE believes you. (especially with THAT lisp)

*to the lady wandering around trying to match a seat number with your boarding pass - we're flying on SOUTHWEST. duh.

*to the lady wearing a long-sleeved pull over sweater and capri pants - WTF??? you'll cover your arms all the way but not your legs? do i have to give the 'make a decision' speech again? you obviously don't read my blog.

i hate flying.

adios!

2005-09-20T13:38:00.000-04:00

i'm leavin' on a jet plane - don't know when i'll be back again...

just kidding - i do know. i'm travelling the next few days for work - y'all be good.

sit back and soak THIS up!

2005-09-15T22:44:00.000-04:00

i'll wait a second for you to go find a chair...

life is good. almost great.

i'm going to a wedding reception this weekend...stay tuned for 'scenes from a wedding'. (fred, i'm sure it will be at least as entertaining as my trip to the mall, if not better!)

kisses to you all...

i will never forget

2005-09-11T20:15:00.000-04:00

september 11, 2001

i was in my car on my way to work. i was listening to kidd kraddick - jennifer paige was singing her new single. i stayed in the car long enough to hear her finish, and then headed to my office.

five minutes later, the world stopped.

unimaginable terror swept through me. would we be safe? i worked in an office building - would they come after us, too? no one knew at that time how many planes in the air had been hijacked. would my daughter, in school across town, be safe? our world wouldn't ever be the same.

fast forward a few days...

they're showing video that people took from the center of all of the chaos. most people are focusing on the ashes and destroyed buildings. the only thing i can focus on is the high pitched alarms going on in the background. i started in medicine as an emt. i worked for two fire departments. the sirens are pass (personal alert safety system) alarms. when a firefighter doesn't move for thirty seconds, the pass alarm is activated, and it emits that sound so that others can find him. it knew that many of my fellow brothers and sisters were lying in that rubble. those sounds will haunt me for life.

i pray that you all never forget the striking sounds and images from that day. i pray that you all recognize that civil servants are just as deserving of our honor and respect as the soldiers that serve our country. and i pray that you all are humbled by the thoughts of all of the families that were left behind.

god bless america - my home sweet home.

i surrender

2005-09-09T22:57:00.000-04:00

"so you lit her cigarette? you're feelin' pretty good?
you think you've got a shot? most girls, you probably would...
yeah this is that kind of place, but she ain't that kind of girl
you're readin' it all wrong...let me tell you about her...
she only smokes when she drinks; she only drinks now and then...
now and then when she's tired of being let down by men
you can give her a light, but it's not what you think
everybody knows she only drinks alone, and she only smokes when she drinks

did you ask her to dance? let me guess, she told you no
got to take her some place quiet and see how far that goes
oh, don't take it all that hard when she smiles and turns you down
for a complicated girl, she ain't that hard to figure out
she only smokes when she drinks; she only drinks now and then...
now and then when she's tired of being let down by men
you can give her a light, but it's not what you think
everybody knows she only drinks alone, and she only smokes when she drinks"

i've got beer...anybody got a cigarette?

lend a hand

2005-09-06T10:25:00.000-04:00

i spent a lot of this holiday weekend volunteering. i thought i would just be giving of my time. but it turned out to be so very much more than that. i gave more of myself than i thought possible, really. my time, my heart, my soul, my every emotion, my tears...my shoulder. these people...these men, women, and children...were unbelievable. Resilient. Stoic. heartbroken. oh...i was so moved.

i started saturday at a medical clinic. we saw a two week old baby with a very high fever, diarrhea, you name it...poor baby. she's in the hospital now. i'm going to see her today. we saw person after person after person that didn't have their meds...along with cuts, bruises, more than a few black eyes...and such sadness. so very much sadness.

then saturday evening i was at a church that opened their family life center to serve as a shelter. we accepted busses full of refugees from the superdome. first, let me say that i have never smelled anything like that in my medical career...i thought i had seen it and smelled it all. boy, was i wrong. the majority of them are shell-shocked, some staring off into space, some weeping...some hugging us...and i tell you i received more 'bless yous' than when i sneeze in church! so many have been separated from their loved ones, craving any piece of information that you can give them. it just broke my heart. and the children? i can't go there...

now i'm going to get on my soapbox for a second. i have read and watched and heard so many people pointing fingers, shifting blame, bitching, complaining...and i've had enough. we can't go back and fix it now. but we can move ahead and let the axes fall where they may. instead, expend your energy getting out and doing something - ANYTHING - for these people who need our help and support so desperately. show your disdain for all those involved at the polls. show your support for the people in the shelters, in the churches, anywhere you can find them. and take some donations to your local animal shelter, as well. people weren't the only ones displaced.

zoiks!

2005-08-31T07:50:00.000-04:00

i've been listening and reading about the hurricane...at this stage, there's no way to avoid it.

i lost everything i owned in 1999 thanks to hurricane floyd. but we were ok - we had family and friends and we took care of each other and, eventually, came out ok. so many of these people don't have that. i feel sorry...and i pray.

however...i heard something on the radio this morning that made me sit up in bed and cry. these people, in the coming days, will have to worry about death, disease, and ... alligators.

holy moly! that hadn't even occurred to me.

to all of the people on the east coast suffering from the after-effects of hurricane katrina - i lift you up in prayer. and i donate all of my extra money to the red cross.

for those of you reading this - please do the same.

love lost

2005-08-25T21:28:00.000-04:00

i have a half-brother. we have the same father. and i use that term loosely.

we didn't grow up together because we were raised by our respective mothers. but when we spent time together, which was usually every other weekend, we dug each other. i mean, he's my kid brother! we used to have wrestling matches with our dad...back when kerry von erich and the rest of the von erich family were cool. we even had our own wrestling names.

his life wasn't that easy - his mom was a little off, you know the story ... blah blah blah. his mother died a couple of years ago from lung cancer. he got married. he and his wife had a baby...i missed it all, because over the years, we've spent less and less time in the vicinity of each other. our grandfather died a little over a year ago. he sat next to me at the funeral...he laid his head on my shoulder, and he cried in my arms. the first time i've ever actually been there for him when he needed me...and as silly as that sounds, i cherish that.

i have a nephew running around out there that i haven't seen in years.

so today, i was in the car at a stoplight. and he turned right in front of me. my sweet baby brother...blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes. i knew him instantly. he was on his phone. i honked...he didn't notice. i don't know how to find him - i'm not close to that side of my family.

i've lost my brother.

i miss you, bruiser.

here's your sign...or...scene from parent teacher night

2005-08-22T23:00:00.000-04:00

teacher ' so, does anyone have any questions? '

dad ' if i want to bring my daughter early to eat breakfast in the cafeteria, do i need to come in to monitor her, or will there be people in there to watch her? '

teacher ' no no there's always people in the cafeteria watching the kids, no matter what time of day it is. we NEVER leave the children unattended. even if i have to go to the bathroom for a second, i still have to get the teacher across the hall to watch the kids '

me, in my head ' jeez, genious, do you think the kids go into the cafeteria and make sausage and eggs all by themselves with no help? i can see my daughter and your daughter both behind the counter with little chef's hats on scrambling up the eggs...and i can hear flo yell 'two eggs over easy and make it quick, mel...and kiss my grits!'.

here's your sign, buddy.

scenes from a mall

2005-08-21T19:19:00.000-04:00

* tan face, white white legs. (ladies, if you're going to wear bronzer on your face...please take note that it only makes you look tan if the REST of you is tan).

* a wrap skort on a 40-ish year old woman. (ladies, come on now. we're old enough to not have to worry about little boys looking up our skirts when we're sliding down the slide. i know that, inherently, it is difficult to make decisions, but really...its easy. a skirt or shorts...PICK ONE!! that's like the trend i've seen with women wearing a dress...AND PANTS. sheesh...pick one!)

* flip flops...that cover the length of the foot...but with toes hanging over the edge. ummm...need i say more??

* a very pretty lady looking around to see if anyone heard her fart. yep, i heard ya.

* capri pants, sandals...and pantyhose. HELLO!! its 100 degrees outside...are you nuts??

...and my "get involved in the community" deed for the week...

* a lady got irritated with her kid, which couldn't have been older than four. we were in the shoe department of dillard's, which is right by the entrance/exit. she walked away from her kid, to the register, turned her back, and ignored the poor little girl...for a good two or three minutes. that kid could have been gone in seconds, out the door either on her own or with a kidnapper. thank goodness a security guard happened to be walking by. i had a little chat with him, and he had a wonderful little chat with her. as i was leaving, i saw a fort worth police officer pull up. don't neglect your kids when i'm around...i had a guy arrested in VA for leaving his sleeping daughter in the car. moron.

stay tuned...

2005-08-18T18:34:00.000-04:00

the best is yet to come...

people...write this down...

2005-08-10T01:21:00.000-04:00

superglue effing ROCKS!!!

that is all...as you were.

addendum...NO I WASN'T SNIFFING IT!!!

i'm just so full of questions and observations

2005-08-07T17:15:00.000-04:00

hi.

i'm forever identifying with the things that other people say and write, as if they were looking into my soul and writing about what they witnessed.

"when i say that i don't care, it really means my engine's breaking down
the chisel chips my heart again, the granite cracks beneath my skin
i crumble into pieces on the ground"

i've said to people that i don't care. i think i say it all the time. but i really do care...i'm just shutting down on the inside, trying not to care...trying not to hurt. why is it that the older we get, the more love seems to be a game, and not a mission? does that even make sense to anyone else but me??

"these independent moves i make, this confidence i try to fake
you can hear the beating of my heart, but not a feather falling in the dark
and everything i hear never makes sense - another old prophet perched on the fence, a cupful of pencils and a self-help guru don't answer the question of what i am to you
how come birds don't fall from the sky when they die?
how come birds always look for a quiet place to hide?
these words can't explain what i feel inside...like birds, i need a quiet place to hide"

birds always know when something is about to happen - when they are sick and getting ready to die. they go find somewhere quiet and out of the way, and they just slip away. recently, a part of me has been dying, and rather than going to a quiet place and just letting it go, i've been fighting like hell to save it. it isn't getting me anywhere...so now i think i'll just go find a quiet place and let it go. at some point, you have to start over. i guess that time is now. but "i don't fear being touched...i fear being let go". again...am i making any sense?

however...while i was writing this, a glimmer of hope showed up on my screen. this will be interesting...or its just more evidence that i'm really losing my mind...

kelly clarkson said it best...i'm a beautiful disaster.

sigh

2005-08-03T02:25:00.000-04:00

you know that song lyric 'the first cut is the deepest'?

its a big fat lie.

every cut is just as bad as the first, if not worse. its like pouring salt into an open wound.

so...yeah...i have a question

2005-07-27T21:45:00.000-04:00

everyone i know is posting pics of themselves and their kids on their blogs...should i post mine??

pics, part 2

2005-07-18T20:02:00.000-04:00

this gentleman hadn't seen his son...ever. and this is his sweet little wife...he was one of the last ones off the plane!!

pics of the flight

2005-07-18T19:57:00.000-04:00

i wrote a few weeks ago about a flight of troops coming home ... here ya go!

five years ago today

2005-07-11T09:21:00.000-04:00

"saw a man in the movies that didn't have a heart
how i wish i could give him mine
then i wouldnt have to feel it breaking all apart, and this emptiness inside would suit me fine

its times like these i wish i were the tin man
you could hurt me all you wanted...i'd never even know
i'd give anything just to be the tin man...
i wouldn't have a heart, and i wouldn't need a soul

i couldn't see your leaving coming, it took me by surprise
even now, still seems like a dream
but i know i cant be dreaming cuz as i lay down each night, the pain's so great that it won't let me sleep

its times like these i wish i were the tin man
you could hurt me all you wanted...i'd never even know
well i'd give anything just to be the tin man
i wouldn't have a heart, and i wouldn't need a soul
i'd give anything just to be the tin man
i wouldnt have a heart
and i wouldn't miss you so "

it still feels like it just happened...all of it. sometimes i still wonder how i came through it and made it to the other side.

i think of you every day. i miss you every day. and i can't wait until the day that i can see you again.

i love you ... and i thank you for everything you taught me. your great-granddaughter is getting bigger every day, and is becoming quite the young lady. thank you for giving me the tools to bring her up the right way.

again - i love you. and i miss you.

remember our conversations and read between the lines

2005-07-07T03:41:00.000-04:00

its very rare that i mention names here, because for the most part, i like to remain anonymous. only a few people that actually know me have this web address, and i like it that way. i've used this as a forum, however, to communicate things that i have found difficult to address in real life. i tend to be a better writer than speaker, and at times, i have used the words of other people to get my point across. this is no exception...and to the person this is for - you know who you are. we talked about this very thing in a conversation a couple of nights ago. i can't sleep, i've had this song on my mind all day, and i hope my mind will stop spinning once i get this out.

"i hope it’s not too late to call, i couldn’t wait a moment more
i don’t know what else to do, i need to ask a favor...
check behind each of your doors, search throughout your rooms and halls
secret corners, look there too...i think i left my heart with you
don’t forget to remember, cuz you’re always on my mind...
i don’t care if i’ve lost my heart this time
if you find it, keep it safe - wrapped within your warm embrace
i could be wrong, that’s nothing new...but i think i left my heart with you
don’t forget to remember, cuz you’re always on my mind...
i don’t care if I’ve lost my heart this time
i’m not beggin’ but …maybe you could be so kind to make a home for this heart of mine
maybe i could live there too...i think i left my heart with you
think i left my heart...i think i left my heart with you"

i don't think it, i know it, though. and i'm fairly sure that i don't want it back, no matter how difficult, no matter how long it takes.

~b

to the a**holes that live above me

2005-06-30T02:04:00.000-04:00

hello. my name is brandi. i'm the short chick with the dark hair that has repeatedly had to BANG ON YOUR DOOR at 3 am. its funny, i know you're there because i can hear you, and you wake my daughter up, but you NEVER ANSWER THE FRIGGIN DOOR! here's your final notice...i *do not* want to hear you banging around in your laundry room at 6:30 am. i *do not* want to hear your fat dog running around in circles in your apartment. i *do not* want to hear your loud entries into your apartment at 3am after an evening out. i *do not* want to hear you open your sliding glass door a million times after 9pm. i *do not* want to hear said dog barking and howling after 9pm...i *am* a hunter, i *do* know how to use a firearm, and i am *always* looking for target practice. beagles are perfect for said target practice. i *do not* want to hear you slam your front door EVER AGAIN. furthermore, i have a SEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. i am a SINGLE PARENT, which means that at the end of the day, i am exhausted and at the end of my rope. excessive noise when i'm trying to sleep is likely to send me over the edge. here's your final notice - i HAVE COMPLAINED to the management. the next knock on your door will NOT be me...it will be the HURST POLICE DEPARTMENT. and they are NOT nice people - haven't you seen how many tickets they write at the end of the month?

there...i feel better. thanks, friends, for indulging my rant. i just had to get that off my chest. and please excuse my language...i'm usually not that profane.

the sting of a grateful american

2005-06-25T02:37:00.000-04:00

hi.

i had the most amazing opportunity this morning, and i have to share it.

i live in hurst, which is a suburb of fort worth. i live 15 minutes from d/fw international airport. there are flights arriving daily from kuwait city - they're called r&r flights - of soldiers coming home from the war. i went today to support, to cheer, and to thank these wonderful men and women for fighting in this war, and every war that came before. i will never ever forget the looks of these awesome heroes walking off of that airplane, hugging us, shaking our hands, accepting our thanks. they deserve so very much more than that. i even saw lots of tears (some of which were my own).

i was so proud to be standing amongst such fine americans. i heard lots of 'welcome home, soldier', 'thank you for your hard work, ma'am', 'god bless you', 'good job', and several 'let me help you with that heavy load you've got there's. i've said this before, and i'll say it again. i implore you to shake the hand of someone - anyone - that you see in a uniform, whether it be civil service or military, and thank them for all that they do. i know this may not be a war that everyone agrees with, but those men and women deserve our support and thanks just the same.

greeting these flights will now be something that i do often. if you live around here, or you are ever in the area, give me a shout and i'll tell you how to get the incoming flight information - they do come in every day. i'm looking forward to independence day...that's where i'll be.

the palms of my hands still sting from all of the clapping - and i am grateful.

holy moses!

2005-06-24T17:59:00.000-04:00

ok, i whined about the financial planning seminar yesterday, but believe it or not, i actually learned some valuable stuff. did you know that the average woman becomes a widow at the age of 56? and 25% of those widows go through their husband's death benefit in TWO MONTHS!! women are out of the workforce an average of 11 1/2 years longer than men due to childbirth and child-rearing, so while men need to save about 10% of their income per year, to make up for the defecit, women need to save **12%**. i'll be 30 years old this year...so if i start saving $11 a day until i retire, i will have saved over a million and a half dollars. i'm off to the bank...!!!

ladies - go buy a copy of the book 'smart women finish rich'. its not really about making a whole lot of money, its about prioritizing your life and identifying your goals vs. your values to live your life to its fullest, so your happier in your everyday life *and* you can save for your retirement. its a great tool for us.

i have another story to share this evening about what i did this morning...i almost feel like i have a life again!!!

blogging blues

2005-06-23T20:42:00.000-04:00

hello, boys and girls. i have been using a lot of lyrics lately to communicate because NOTHING NEW is going on in my life. isn't that sad? i work from home, so nothing interesting happens to me here. my daughter's babysitter is upstairs, so i don't actually have to leave to take her somewhere. i got a pedicure today...big whoop. larry the cat is even bored with me - she's been sleeping all day. the tadpole is still a tadpole...i'm as boring as they get. i'm going to a financial planning seminar tonight...sound boring? YEP. i don't even have any funny jokes to tell. i think i might have 'blogger's block'. anyone know where the action is around here???

for guy

2005-06-18T03:15:00.000-04:00

in every heart there is a room - a sanctuary safe and strong
to heal the wounds from lovers past until a new one comes along
i spoke to you in cautious tones, you answered me with no pretense
and still i feel i said too much - my silence is my self defense
and every time i've held a rose, it seems i only felt the thorns
and so it goes, and so it goes...and so will you soon, i suppose
but if my silence made you leave, then that would be my worst mistake
so i will share this room with you, and you can have this heart to break
and this is why my eyes are closed...it's just as well, for all i've seen
and so it goes, and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows
so i would choose to be with you - that's if the choice were mine to make
but you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break
and so it goes, and so it goes...and you're the only one who knows

courtesy of kelly clarkson

2005-06-15T02:20:00.000-04:00

i will not make the same mistakes that you did
i will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
i will not break the way you did - you fell so hard
i've learned the hard way to never let it get that far
because of you

i never stray too far from the sidewalk because of you
i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt because of you
i find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
because of you i am afraid, i lose my way, and its not too long before you point it out
i cannot cry because i know that's weakness in your eyes

i'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life
my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with
i watched you die
i heard you cry every night in your sleep
i was so young
you should have known better than to lean on me
you never thought of anyone else - you just saw your pain
and now i cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing because of you
because of you

because of you i am afraid
because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk
because of you i learned to play on the safe side so i don't get hurt
because of you i try my hardest just to forget everything
because of you i don't know how to let anyone else in
because of you i'm ashamed of my life because its empty
because of you i am afraid
because of you.

my occupation

2005-06-08T21:51:00.000-04:00

i'm an electroneurodiagnostic technologist. to simplify - i shock people for a living. in man terms, I 'run diagnostics' on the brain, spine, central and peripheral nervous systems. i talked about this a long time ago; it was, i believe, my second post...gosh, that seems like forever ago...almost a lifetime! i hook electrodes up to people...depending on the problem. electrodes on the foot, leg, thigh, arm, hand, wrist, cervical and/or lumbar spine, head...and that's just the beginning. i then shock them with something that closely resembles a stun gun. the computer at the other end of the electrodes makes a map of the nerve's function, and the 'puter spits out all kinds of numbers. all of that stuff is interpreted, and live moves on from there. however...now that i'm the only one in the company other than the doctor that owns it, i am now the marketer, the scheduler, the person in charge of making sure the billing is done correctly...and anything and everything else that needs to be done. some days i work several hours...many days, i don't work at all. nooooooooooo problems there! sure, i'll take a paycheck to get a tan. why not??

i'm enjoying your responses to your favorite love songs. i know its hard to choose - there are so many out there. keep them coming, though...even if you've already left me one. i'm a die-hard, hopeless romantic, and the songs make me smile...but leave them, even if they make me cry!
here's another of my favorites...'i go crazy' by paul davis

hello girl it's been awhile
guess you'll be glad to know that i've learned how to laugh and smile
getting over you was slow
they say old lovers can be good friends, but i never thought i'd really see you...i'd really see you again
i go crazy when i look in your eyes
i still go crazy...no my heart just can't hide that old feelin' inside
way deep down inside
oh baby, you know when i look in your eyes i go crazy
you say he satifies your mind
tells you all of his dreams...i know how much that means to you
i realize that i was blind
just when i thought i was over you, i see your face and it just ain't true
no it just ain't true
i go crazy when i look in your eyes
i still go crazy
that old flame comes alive, it starts burning inside...way deep down inside
oh baby, you know when i look in your eyes i go crazy"

talk to me!

love and light...
~sparky

ugh

2005-06-08T01:40:00.000-04:00

hello, strangers and friends. let me just begin by saying that losing someone that you love is a *B.I.T.C.H.* moving on...

my job is fan-freaking-tastic. i think i work maybe 8 hours a week at the most, and since i'm salaried, i get paid anyway. to lay out by the pool, watch tv, read, shop, go to the zoo...whatever my little heart desires. and since the other three people that worked for us were FIRED for being STUPID, i'm now the only one in the company, besides the doctor. FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC! i can't believe i stumbled on such an incredible opportunity. they were right...when one door closes, there's an open window somewhere. sweet!

now...for the tadpole update. one of the little boogers died...but one lived. and still has NO FREAKING LEGS! (i'm using that word a lot, huh?) no legs...i really have no clue what to do with it, and i'm really starting to get concerned. i wonder if they're growing inside his body, and he's gonna explode or something freakish like that. should i call 'unsolved mysteries'??

hmmmm...ok, i've written, but i feel like i've written nothing of substance. so...i'll ask a question. what's your favorite *LOVE* song?

mine? "amneris' letter" from elton john and bernie taupin's musical "aida".

'i'm sorry for everything i've said, and for anything i forgot to say, too
when things get so complicated, i stumble - at best, muddle through
i wish that our lives could be simple
i don't want the world - only you
i wish i could tell you this face to face, but there's never the time - never the place
so this letter will have to do...
i love you'

shania twain sang the song on the album that was cut. its quite possibly the most beautiful song i've ever heard. now - share yours with me.

love and light...
~sparky

sigh legless in ft worth pout

2005-05-11T17:05:00.000-04:00

well, guess what? after much coaching and talking and persuading and hoping and even praying, the stinkin things STILL don't have legs - nor do they have any signs of nubbies that could perhaps one day become legs. i'm doomed to have legless frogs. do they make wheelchairs for frogs that never sprouted legs? i should start looking for a couple.

i'm leaving for galveston early in the morning for a 'family vacation'. some of us - six, to be exact - are riding in a van. gee, won't that be fun?? i think i'll double my dosage of dramamine and skip out on all of that excitement. and if i'm drugged, i won't have to drive!!! but i *am* looking forward to laying out on the beach and *shopping*!! somewhere i have to find a beautiful suntanned brunette to bring home :o) HI, GUY!!

kenny chesney married the 'you had me at hello' girl. excuse me while i barf. and that's all i have to say about that.

so i have a question for you guys - if you could spend 24 hours living someone else's life, who would it be, and why? i think i would like to trade places with oprah... she gets to spend time with the coolest people, and she has the means and the desire to help people who actually need it.

this saturday is 'stamp out hunger' saturday. before your letter carrier arrives, put some non-perishable food items by your mailbox so they can donate it to your community.

no matter how tainted or horrible you think you are, you are still a tool of God.

the plight of the legless frog

2005-05-02T17:23:00.000-04:00

i have been trying to get these tadpoles to grow legs for months now. MONTHS! i've had them in the shade, i've had them in the sun, i've fed them a little, i've fed them a lot, i've changed their water, and nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. there's a little creek by my apartment that i take my daughter to when she feels like 'exploring', so i had an idea. i figured they might not be getting what they need out of bottled water (which is what the frog booklet they came with recommends), so i went to get them some creek water and algae. so...off i go. i filled up the cups and the bowl, and i start walking around checking stuff out. bass, perch, minnows, turtles, you name it! i see this little head sticking out of the water, and i moved over into the shade so i could see into the water...i wanted to know what was attached to the head. big mistake. HUGE! i look down and the head is attached to a 3 and a half foot long WATER MOCCASIN. cripes! those little suckers will chase you!!! not to mention, they've got a seriously poisonous bite. so i wait...stand completely still...until the thing swam away and buried itself in a hole in the embankment. good lord. nothing that scary has happened to me since the electricity went off at 3 am and i couldn't find my cellphone! (i'm afraid of the dark, remember?) these legless frogs are becoming a big pain in my arse. its time for them to get with the program - FROGGIES, LISTEN UP: GROW LEGS OR BE FLUSHED.

what in the sam hell do you do with a legless frog?????

one pin

2005-04-28T11:28:00.000-04:00

hellooooooooooooooooooo!!

kate (my cousin's wife) had her surgery early this week. she's doing well. thank you so much for all of your prayers. they are greatly appreciated.

speaking of prayers - hi, christy! i've missed you - hope you're doing well. you still make me proud.

so...i went bowling with some friends and our kids this weekend. kids in one lane, big kids (us morons) in the other. just for the record - i suck at bowling. i should have been bowling with the little kids - but even then, my daughter - my own flesh and blood - would have beaten me. how is that possible? she's 7!! shouldn't she suck at bowling, too? my problem through a lot of the games was - i could knock down all of the pins, save ONE. one stinkin' pin. *sigh* i royally suck at bowling. maybe the kid beat me because they had bumpers on their lane. will they do that for the big kids? i probably should have asked.

my ex-husband is leaving today for bahrain. he's in the navy. we're calling this his 'finding a third wife' mission. see, he left me over the phone from 1500 miles away the day before he was supposed to go on his 6-month trip on his ship. 'i don't love you anymore - i want a divorce'. then *poof* he was gone. when he came back, there was a new woman, and shortly thereafter, she was pregnant with his baby (while he was still married to me). so...i wonder when wife #2 (the wicked stepmother) is going to get her call...maybe then she'll know what its like to walk a mile in MY shoes. that makes me smile a little. you see, i know something is up. the last 2 times i've met him to exchange the munchkin, he's been on his trusty little cell phone. but the second he sees me, he hangs it up - very abruptly. can't wait to see how this turns out. its almost like watching a soap opera.

hmmmmmmmm...what else do i have to talk about?

oh, i know! my daughter got one of those frog habitats for christmas, where you send off in the mail for tadpoles and you watch their metamorphasis into frogs. its only supposed to take 4-6 weeks for the complete change to take place. we've had these stupid things for THREE MONTHS, and still no sign of legs. nothing. nada. i think they sent me legless frogs. what am i supposed to do with them??? is there some sort of foundation for frogs born without the ability to grow legs? should i start one? or perhaps a rescue society??

my constantine was voted off of idol last night. i'm gonna miss his cheesy performances. and now i'm stuck with bo bice and scott savol? yick. at least i know now that carrie has a better chance of winning. you go, girl!

1 Cor 15:10
But by the grace of God, I am what I am

my voice

2005-04-22T12:20:00.000-04:00

hello again. i know, its been awhile. some things - bad and good - happened all at once, and for what seemed like an eternity, i lost my inner voice. i lost the desire - the need to be heard. i quit a job i dearly loved because of the unfair rantings of an unprofessional boss. i got a new job working less and making more, which allows me to spend time with my daughter, which is more than i could have hoped for. but in the process, i feel i lost some very good friends. i miss felipa and desi, my geese...and shortcake. the day the crap went down at my office, i was supposed to have left town to see a man that i greatly respect and care very deeply for retire from his career in the USMC. i couldn't make it - and was too shaken to verbalize to anybody what had happened. embarrassed, actually. so i lost a group of friends there, too. i miss all of you dearly - please know that. you are in my thoughts and my prayers daily.

so, strangers and friends, here i am again, aching to use my voice. dying to communicate with outsiders again. geez...when i type that it sounds so melodramatic. but i've missed this. its good to be back!

i'm working for a mobile diagnostic company now. when i'm not testing in other doctor's offices, i'm working from home. that's great. its cool. i can pick pete up from school every day, and that's been great for her. and for me. we get to spend a lot more time together, and its been a lot more productive. she gets her homework done faster, and we don't have to fight about it because i'm not in such a hurry to get her fed and into the shower...and then to bed. i couldn't have asked for a better job.

i have a cousin, david, in baghdad. he has a wife, kate, and three children. when he calls, he tells her he's on a base, he's not going into the towns, and that he's safe. we all know he's lying, but...she doesn't. bless her heart. he's in the national guard - this is the second time he's been away. the first time, he was a security guard for the director of homeland security. this time he's going into the villages in and around baghdad, going to homes of known informants and questioning them to find more information. but kate thinks he's safe. however - kate is not. kate was diagnosed with breast cancer. she's opted to - get this - have a double mastectomy. she fears the cancer. but it can come back - anywhere. so david gets to come home and help care for her and their children for awhile. dave and kate don't need - don't deserve - this kind of stress and heartache. they've come so far together - love each other so much. but their faith, they insist, will get them through. pray for them.

you know what i did a few weeks ago? i went to my grandmother's grave for the first time - she's been gone for almost five years. gosh, it was surreal. i was a pallbearer in her funeral- i carried her there, much like she carried me through a lot of my life. it was hard to go there. but i needed to go there. i don't know if i'll ever go back. her kitchen table is at kristi's now. things are as they should be - we still sit at that table and talk. its like going home almost.

its funny, the way you find out who your true friends are - who really has your back. i haven't heard from anyone at the office in over two weeks - a few of these people self-proclaimed 'friends'. but jamie - she's the best. talks to me all the time. i'm a lucky girl - the good ones have been weeded out. i guess its just the natural progression of things.

what else can i say here? i've missed you guys...missed typing to you. but i'm back now - will write often. promise.

rage against the dying of the light.

i wonder...

2005-01-24T19:30:00.000-05:00

things are a little slow at the office today. little d and i have spent some serious time playing solitare and surfing. so we started talking, and i said 'i wonder what our parents did at work when they got bored - you know, before the days of the internet and computer games?'

well...i really do wonder. surely they got bored at some point. did they talk on the phone? probably not...phone conversations weren't all that popular back then. so what does that leave me? converstaions - maybe. reading the occasional magazine - perhaps. thinking up ways to get revenge on your crappy boss - likely. food fights - only if they were lucky. boredom does strange things to people, huh?

i'm listening to a cd that i burned last year. i put 'the pina colada song' on it. it just came on - I LOVE THIS SONG!! i don't know why! it also has an old paul davis song on it ' '65 love affair'. that was the very first song that my dad taught me to sing. aaaahhhhhhhh...memories. some people have memories that are tied to things that they own...some are tied to scents. most of my memories are musical. that neil diamond song 'the story of my life'...makes me cry every time i hear it. 'original sin' by elton john should be on everyone's top 10 list. as well as a few by christopher cross, like 'walking in avalon'. but you all should go in search of the song called 'on the coast of somewhere beautiful' by kenny chesney. its beautiful. i could talk about billy joel for forever, but let me just say 'just the way you are', 'honesty', 'she's got a way', 'all about soul', and quite possibly one of the most perfect songs ever written ' **'and so it goes'**.

ok...i'll stop now. may you all have wonderful lives full of laughter and music.

my skin

2005-01-21T16:50:00.000-05:00

hi, all.

i've spent a very long time in this skin - more than 29 years. so why is it that its just starting to be comfortable? why am i just now learning about myself - who i am, and who i want to be? i've lived the majority of my life on a trial-by-fire basis. i guess it was supposed to be this way, but it took so stinkin' long to get here! i was an insecure kid, insecure teenager, which i'm sure is what led me to be so insecure in my marraige...maybe that's part of the reason i'm divorced. i could tell stories about my life that would make your hair stand on end...but why? why live in the past, when the future is what matters. the past is what shapes you into who you are, but some people have a hard time letting that go - and why is that? i've dated some guys that are so terrified that i'm going to let my past influence my opinion of men...ALL men...that they don't give our potential relationship a fair chance. i guess that's because of their past experiences with other women. why is the past so hard to let go of? why can't we just learn from it and move on? its over now - it can't hurt us anymore. and if it does, its your own fault because you let it. so i just don't tell anyone anymore about most of the things that i've seen, because it usually blows up in my face. but that sucks, too, because its what happened to me in the past that made me who i am, and shouldn't someone who cares about me want to know what shaped and molded me...without judging me? i am who i am, and i'm proud of it. i'm now officially comfortable in my skin. i'd be in trouble if i weren't, right? i mean, have you ever tried to put toothpaste back into the tube. it can't be done. i can't undo my past, either. but how do you make someone else comfortable with your skin? well, you can't MAKE anyone do anything, which i suppose is part of the struggle. i've yet to date a man that will go to church with me. i've yet to date a man that will come hear me sing. that's very important to me. i guess the right one will come along at the right time, and it will all make sense to me. but i'm impatient! and i'm getting a headache...that can't be good, right?

the road i'm traveling on is a bumpy one, but i'm enjoying the ride. i've got a great family, a great kid, a great group of friends (hey, little d!), a great group of people to sing with, a great church family, and a great group of teens that make me smile whenever i'm around them. i'm truly blessed. i've got great skin.

HI DEL!!!!!!!!

website

2005-01-19T16:33:00.000-05:00

i was driving to work this morning and saw a web address on a bumper sticker.

please visit www.homesforourtroops.org - if you can swing it, make a donation. ask your company to make a charitable donation. something - anything. they deserve it. and spread the address around - the more they can do, the better.

god bless

i'm the tooth fairy

2005-01-14T10:44:00.000-05:00

so...i took the munchkin to dinner at el chico last night. i'm enjoying my enchiladas, and she says 'hey, mom...jared says you're the tooth fairy'

uh oh. i'm on the verge of crying...no more santa claus, easter bunny...i've been found out.

'huh? what did he say'

'we were talking about the tooth fairy. i told him that she gave me five bucks, and he told me that the tooth fairy is you...my mom...YOU'RE the tooth fairy!'

where do i go with this? how do i save myself and the sanctity of the fairy tale?

'i'm the tooth fairy, huh? so i go all over the world every night when you're asleep and take kids' teeth and give them money? nope! first of all, where would i get all of that money, and second of all, where would i keep all of those yicky teeth?? GROSS!! nope...i'm not the tooth fairy'.

she buys it. apparently she didn't get that he was saying that the tooth fairy was *everyone's* mom...she just thought i was the REAL DEAL tooth fairy. kinda cool, huh?

or...maybe poor jared really thinks i'm the tooth fairy. and that's just greatness. from now on, please refer to me as 'fairy-licious'!

random nothingness...or could it be something?

2005-01-13T09:32:00.000-05:00

hey, all.

i haven't posted in a while...does your life ever spin out of control, and it seems almost impossible to get it back? well, it did, and i did, so here i am again. sorry if you missed me!

one thing at a time. i'm irritated about this whole tsunami thing. yeah, i know what happened over there sucks. but we sent our troops over there, and we're giving them millions of dollars to aid their now homeless population. HELLO?? WHAT ABOUT **OUR** HOMELESS POPULATION??? we do have one, you know. i see them all the time. what are we doing to help our own people? nada - just going further into debt to help other people. we suck.

i'm a barry manilow fan. love him love him love him. i was listening to a song of his...the opening line is 'we had the right love at the wrong time'. and it cut me...it hurt. and i don't even know why. it literally took my breath away. is it possible to have the right love...just at the wrong time? and if its the right love...why can't it be the right time? and if it isn't the right time, how do you get there? i mean - its THE RIGHT LOVE. what we're all looking to find. 'somewhere down the road our roads are gonna cross again - it doesn't really matter when. but somewhere down the road, i know that heart of yours will come to see that you belong with me'. i've been there - a few years ago. and we are still very very good friends. and i stopped and wondered - will our roads cross again? for a third time? and then i figured i was putting way too much thought into it. so i moved on to 'copa cabana'. but i know you will read this - and i want you to know that i think of you often.

if i had to wear my philosophy of life as a motto on a t-shirt, what would it be? don't blend in like a chameleon. stand out like a hot pink elephant.

and...last thing. HI DEL!!! mardi gras - here i come!!!

personal space vs. the prospect

2004-12-15T11:15:00.000-05:00

hello, all.

i've been alone for almost five years now. i've come to love - almost revere - my personal space and my "me time". and i'm beginning to understand the concept behind the "old spinster". i sleep in the middle of the bed, drink milk from the jug, leave my wet towels in the bathroom, can watch chick-flick-victim-movies on lifetime whenever i want, can come and go as i please (depending on the kid and her location), not have to worry about who gets the last beer in the fridge, and i have SOLE POSESSION OF THE REMOTE CONTROL! so...if there were a prospect for me and my daughter, someone to add to our family, how on earth would i give all of that up? i know i've done it before - i was married for almost five years. but i was so young then i had no concept of the whole personal space thing because i'd always lived with someone, either my mom or my now ex. i know it would more than likely be worth it, but...what if it isn't? i've lived in fear, not wanting to get into a permanent relationship because i don't want to get hurt again, and i certainly don't want that for my daughter. its the same story about a million other people have to tell, so i won't go into detail. but...i've always got the same thought in my mind...ALWAYS.

what if? what if i fall in love? what if my daughter loves him? what if my family loves him? what if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me? and then...what if, at some point five years down the line, he changes his mind?

so, my dilemma remains - do i love my personal stuff, or could i - would i - should i - give it up? and what if?

i was attacked!

2004-12-06T16:46:00.000-05:00

there are very few times when i actually *miss* being married. like really really want to go back to being married again. one of them is when i buy a whole bunch of groceries and have to bring them in from the car. the other one is when i have to put up the stinkin' christmas tree.

i bought a fake tree this year. a seven-and-a-half footer. i mean this sucker is MASSIVE. and its pre-lit, so not only is it reeeeealy big, its reeeeeeeeeeeeealy heavy. it was in the box in three pieces. i took it out and put it together. attached all the little plugs and put the main one in the wall. it lit up all pretty, but something was missing - COLOR! so i got out my old strings of colored lights, determined to make my apartment light up like las vegas. the tree is in the corner by the big window in the living room and the patio door. keep in mind that, during this whole ordeal, the blinds on the window as well as the verticals to the patio were WIDE OPEN.

so anyway, i go get the colored lights and a chair. i have one foot in the chair, one foot on the loveseat, and both hands on opposite sides of the lights, thus forming a circle around the tree with my arms and the lights. i start to lose my balance, the chair falls backwards, i fall on top of it, and the tree falls on me. I WAS ATTACKED BY MY CHRISTMAS TREE!!!!!!!!!! needless to say, i survived, but i have an awesome bruise on my right leg. very sexy. i'm sure it was amusing to the people that live in my complex...because i know at least 5 people saw it through my OPEN BLINDS. i'm really smarter than i look.

on another note - i correspond with a group of really awesome people during the day - all of them having to do with the military in one way or another. i salute you guys...you're awesome.

more later!

i miss back when

2004-12-06T09:20:00.000-05:00

things were so much different when i was growing up in a small texas town. my life now feels like that place, that period in my life, almost never existed. a place that was much more slow-paced with wide open spaces just calling out to be discovered.

i miss climbing trees. believe it or not, i was a bit of a tomboy, and i was always climbing in someone's tree. i fell out of a tree once...and sprained my ankle. i wasn't supposed to be climbing trees - it wasn't 'ladylike' - so my best friend kristi had to walk me home and help me lie. (sssssshhhhhhhhhh...i didn't fall out of a tree. i slipped on a really big rock and fell down)

speaking of kristi, i miss my best friend. she and i have been friends since, as i've always said, i was in-utero. we grew up across the street from each other. we've shared bad hairstyles, bad boyfriends, bad fashion trends, good food, and great conversation. now that we're grown up and have lives of our own, we din't get to spend a lot of time together. i miss her. A LOT!

i miss sundays. there's a song called 'sunday in the south' that always reminds me of the way sundays were at my house. when i was a little girl, my mom and i lived with my grandmother. she would get me up early on sunday, we would get dressed up, and she would take me to church. when we got out, we would go back home, and she would fix a huge meal and the whole family would come over. if i think about it really hard, i can still hear the noises and smell the smells that would emminate from my mam-ma's kitchen...so well sometimes that it makes my heart ache.

i miss the popping and crackling of a record player.

i miss playing in the dirt. kristi and i dug this HUGE hole in my back yard and did the coolest things with dirt! built castles, made mud pies, had good clean messy fun. it was a blast!

i miss riding my bike to 'town'. 'town' consisted of winn dixie, mott's, dairy queen, and the snow cone stand all in the same parking lot. we would go spend hours there, just hanging out and walking around.

its too bad we can't go back in time. i miss the simplicity of the way my life was 20 years ago.

I AM SOOOOOOOOOO MAD!!!

2004-11-19T04:54:00.000-05:00

hey, all.

as a ritual, every friday i look at 'the week in pictures' on msnbc's website. so i'm clicking through there this morning, and i come across a black screen with the warning that the next image is not suitable for...blah blah blah. so i click on it to view it...its a US soldier. a dead US soldier, lying in a pool of his own blood. what on earth could have posessed those people to post such a picture, for his family and his friends to see? on so many different levels, i am angry. that was somebody's son...someone's baby. someone's love. so...i promptly hit the 'email us' button, and sent them a piece of my mind, via the internet. haven't heard back from them...i guess we'll see what happens. i'm just a little peon out here ... they probably won't even read it. but i feel better now that i've said something. it just isn't right.

do me a favor? if you're out in public and happen to come across a man or woman in uniform, be it military service or civil service, shake his or her hand and say 'thank you'. they deserve it.

have a good weekend.

i swam to work today

2004-11-17T04:40:00.000-05:00

hello, boys and girls. let me tell you about noah's ark. the rains came, and...

well, that's what it feels like around north texas these days. i expect to see noah on my doorstep any day now saying that he needs a female electroneurodiagnostic technologist to set sail with him and all of the other creatures on the 2004 model of the ark. don't get me wrong - i LOVE the rain. i love to take long walks in warm spring rain...i like to listen to the rain and fall asleep...i like to watch my daughter laughing and playing in the rain. but come on, now...let's get real. i'm not a hundred percent sure when i saw the sun last...that can't be good. *sigh* on to bigger and better things...

the cowboys lost again on monday. and we're going to replace vinny testaverde when???? sheesh! come on, coach...pull your head out of your hiney and do something! ah, who cares? i'm a packer fan anyway...

single motherhood can suck sometimes. i mean ROYALLY SUCK. but you know what? i have an awesome mom. she raised me as a single mother, so she knows the shoes i'm in. we didn't quite get to this point in the same manner (my father is an alcoholic drug-addict and my ex-husband left me for another woman), but she knows the things i'm dealing with. my ex lives several hours away from here because he's in the Navy, so he doesn't get to see her very much...her great-grandparents are elderly and their health is beginning to fail. i've never left pete (my daughter) with a babysitter - she's always stayed with family. so until last night, i hadn't been out alone in quite some time. she called yesterday and wanted to keep her for not just one, but TWO nights!!!! woo hoooooooooooooooo!!!!! my mom rocks. so i think that, for my own sanity, i need to start looking for a babysitter. she's old enough now to be left with a teenager for a few hours, right?? she's 7. either that, or i'll come home and my place will be in ashes. oh, the agony of it all...no wonder i don't sleep at night!

so...do i have a conclusion for today? you bet!
a) mom, if you should ever read this - i love you, and you're the best mother a daughter could ever ask for ...

and...

b) John Kerry just called president Bush to concede the election. He did ask
that as a provision of the concession that he be allowed to receive a Purple
Heart medal for injuries received in the ass whipping

that's all for now. take care...

VOTE OR DIE...well, don't die, but don't complain if you don't like the way things are

2004-11-02T13:15:00.000-05:00

HELLOOOOOOOOOO!! i voted in my first presidential election today - i feel like such a big girl!! i stood in line for an hour in the rain under the american flag (weren't they supposed to take it down and put it away?) with my daughter, i went into that little room, and i completed my arrow. GO W!!! i was really impressed with the number of younger voters that i saw this morning. people from all walks of life, even a lady that was due to give birth at any little minute. she wouldn't go ahead of anyone, she wouldn't sit down, she wouldn't go inside out of the rain - she stood in line with everyone else. she said it was part of the democratic process, and she was proud to be able to participate, so she didn't want any special treatment. she was awesome. so, mr p daddy diddy puff - i did my duty, i voted for my man - i can't wait to see how it turns out! i haven't been this excited since...well...christmas, i guess.

i survived 'the grudge', though i don't know how. i guess it was because i went to a movie tavern, and they have beer. i thought i was going to jump out of my seat (or pee in my pants) a couple of times, but I DID IT! i survived the movie! now the people that i went with want to go watch that new movie 'saw'. at first i thought it might be ok, but i heard on the radio yesterday that there is an evil clown in it. i don't do clowns! not since i saw the stephen king movie 'it'. noooooooooooooo way. huh uh. i'll pass - send me a postcard.

hmmmm...do i have anything else to say today? my hair is a mess due to the rain, i'm freezing cold due to the rain...but oh, how i do love the rain! i'm looking forward to a cozy evening on the couch flipping channels between election coverage and 'coyote ugly'. i love that movie. if i were skinnier, i'd be a coyote. that would be cool.

VOTE TODAY, PEOPLE!!! VOTE VOTE VOTE!!!

today is the day!!!

2004-10-27T14:47:00.000-04:00

its scary movie day! i've been assured that it will be late enough to be thoroughly dark enough outside (to maximize the viewing experience, of course), and i have been informed that no, i may *NOT* take a blanket into the theater to cover my head...nor can i take the earplugs. man. what a challenge. i'm up for it, though. the closer it gets, strangely, the more excited i get. why is that? why am i excited to scare the holy bejeebers out of myself? that's just not cool. should i medicate before i go? should i call my preacher to pray for me before i go? should i just jump out of the vehicle while its still moving? i should definitely visit the restroom...oh, yeah. definitely. i'm 28 years old and i have never seen a horror movie in a theater. i've seen a couple on video, but this is some serious up-close-and-personal stuff. i'm such a wuss.

i really enjoy hitting the 'next blog' button. you never know what you're going to find on here. people ranting about the election. people lost in love. people in despair because their love has been lost. lots of things in languages that i don't understand. but its the desire to communicate and reach out that always gets me. so i guess that's what i'm doing here...reaching out. talking about everything...and nothing at all. some people's words inspire. some people's words anger. and some people's words uplift. but its all in the words. its about the fact that people want to touch other people with what they have to say. i think its fascinating!!

my youth minister when i was in high school always used to say "know who you are, who's you are, and what your mission is". well, i've got the first two covered. and i'm working on the third. but how do you go about determining your mission? that's a scary prospect!

kill me...please

2004-10-25T16:25:00.000-04:00

so, ok. i'm afraid of three things - thunder, big huge cockroaches that are bigger than my hand, and ... the dark. but i'm terrified of *one* thing - scary movies. i don't know how, really, but little d talked me into going to see 'the grudge' two days from now. have i lost my mind? so now i'll be living in a constant state of fear and anxiety until then. whatever was i thinking? i'll be making phone calls at three am because i can't sleep and i'm imagining wierd things wandering around my house. (and, apparently, a hand coming out of the back of my head in the shower)

HOLY MOLEY!! this is just not me. i must have morphed into someone else overnight...someone calmer, braver, smarter, and ... well ... not crazy!

'little d' and the boredom factor

2004-10-22T11:14:00.000-04:00

so i'm at work right now, and i work with one of my best friends (every girl has 2 or 3 of those, right?) - desiree (aka little d)...and we're bored. so she wanted me to write some amusing stuff in my blog so she can pretend to look busy. (wuv you d!)

what do i write about? what's the difference between lima beans and boogers? kids will eat boogers. ha ha ha...lame joke of the day. everyone should have a signature joke. that pathetic one is mine.

we had a staff meeting yesterday. and we had some *lovely* chinese food. it was fab! and we were supposed to read our fortunes out loud. have you noticed that fortunes these days aren't really fortunes, but tips? 'hey, genius, don't step in the dog poo'. or 'every day is a gift'. duh! but that's not a fortune! fortunes are like 'you will meet the man of your dreams in 2 weeks when you're sitting at starbucks reading the paper'. or 'if you go on a cruise, take some immodium ad 'cuz you're gonna need it'. you know - stuff that foretells the future. but one of the girls got a "fortune" that said 'the job is well done'. i think that went over a lot of people's heads...except i think hers and mine. and - out loud - i said 'that's the best fortune you can get, because when you get to those pearly gates, that's what you want to hear! 'faithful servant, well done!!' i don't know who heard me, and who understood, but ... well, it made perfect sense to me!

well, i hope i've eased the boredom, at least for a bit. for today...call your mom and tell her you love her. it will brighten her day.

lead me to calvary

2004-10-21T16:15:00.000-04:00

for those of you that don't know me, i sing at my church with a group of very talented, wonderful men and women. i started going to church when i was a little girl with my grandmother, and singing was my favorite part. we sing a-capella in my church, so we rely strongly on the beautiful harmonies and the amazing lyrics. one of my grandmother's (and now mine) favorite songs was 'lead me to calvary'. we sang that in church on sunday, and what that song meant finally totally made sense. i want to share it, mainly the chorus, and my interpretations.

'LEST I FORGET GETHSEMANE'
~just in case, lord, i should happen to forget where your son was betrayed
'LEST I FORGET THINE AGONY'
~just in case, lord, i should happen to forget all that you went through when your son's hands and feet were pierced with nails and a crown of thorns forced into his scalp...not to mention all of the people that mocked him and called him a fraud
'LEST I FORGET THY LOVE FOR ME'
~just in case, lord, i should happen to forget how your son saved me from the fiery depths of hell by hanging there for hours and hours and hours with no water and no one to take him down from that awful place
'LEAD ME TO CALVARY'
~then take me, lord, to the place that it all happened. let me witness it for myself, to know that you love me enough to send your one and only son to die that cruel death, so that i might have eternal freedom in your kingdom.

i had the awesome priveledge of watching the movie 'the passion of the christ' with my congregation. until then, i only knew what i had read in the bible and been taught in classes. in the span of time that i sat and watched that movie, it all hit me...he was my age. a young man. it hit me - as a mother, i could never stand for that to happen. the pain, the agony, the torture...the love. it was all there for me to see, with my own eyes. i was lead to calvary. and i was amazed.

my debt is cancelled. jesus paid it all.

in my head

2004-10-19T19:04:00.000-04:00

hi, guys. here goes nothing!

the word 'grace' has so many different meanings - so many different connotations. it would be impossible to count them. but i want to share what it means to me.

grace is in the way that you carry yourself. a way that you present your inner-self to others. its almost a way of life, however impossible it may seem to obtain. grace is evident in everything that you do. its in the way that you smile at people when you're walking down the street. its in the way that you let someone go ahead of you in line at the grocery store when your basket is full and they only have a bottle of nail polish remover. grace is in the eyes and hands of an expectant mother. grace is in the little girl that goes and silently wraps her arms around a mother that has just recently lost her daughter. grace is in the courage with which a young girl deals with the fact that she will soon lose her life to a devastating disease. grace was there when a mother watched her son suffer and die on a cross for the forgiveness of the sins of mankind - including her own. and grace is evident in the spritually new christians, still damp from the waters of baptism. can you see grace all around you? i do. and i cherish it.

i don't really know how to close today. well...how 'bout this? give someone your smile today - they could probably use it.

wooooooo hoooooooooo!!! its friday!!!!!

2004-10-15T16:44:00.000-04:00

see? i made it to friday - sweet! and i got to see my favorite patient today - that always puts a smile on my face, especially considering the day i'd had!

do you ever feel like you've had the worst day in the world? like you could scream and cry and throw up, all at the same time? i had that day today, and i really have no idea why...but a friend of mine made me feel much better, and i'm feeling like myself again. i suspect that that friend was standing in for the big kahuna himself, because i started reading some of my notes from church, and it hit me like a ton of bricks falling out of the sky. in the book of acts, paul goes before the san hedron, half of which are saducees (who didn't believe in the resurrection) and the other half were pharisees (who did believe in the resurrection), to stand up for the resurrection. he didn't get to finish his speech because the things he said caused a huge uproar, so he got sent back to his cell. later that evening, jesus HIMSELF stood next to paul because he needed his encouragement. today, i needed some serious encouragement, just to know that i wans't going to fall apart, and that yes, indeed, i am sane. my friend reached out to me, stood next to me, much like jesus did with paul. so, while he's not here physically, his presence is still all around me, through my friends. i think that's awesome. he stepped into my life through the presence of someone else and spoke those three magical words - 'peace, be still'. he may have physicaly left the planet that day on the cross, but he surely didn't leave me.

have you ever thought about the word 'grace'? what does it mean to you?

take care out there, people. and remember...always preach. use words when necessary.

just another manic thursday

2004-10-14T12:02:00.000-04:00

hello, all. now that so many of you are DYING to know what i do (nods to amy), i'll tell you! i'm an electroneurodiagnostic technologist. to simplify - i shock people for a living. in man terms, i 'run diagnostics' on the brain, spine, central and peripheral nervous systems. hey - it pays the bills, right?

when i grow up (again, for amy), i would like to be ... well, it changes from day to day. some days, i would like to be a stay-at-home mom, but staying at home for too long without adult conversation drives me nuts! (i did it for 2 years). some days, i would like to be a police officer, to pull over all of the idiots i see driving down the road. some days, i would like to be a professional matchmaker, because ... well, leading people to love is awesome. some days, i would like to own a pet store, because i love little puppy kisses! but right now, i am who i am - a single, working mom taking care of my life as best as i can. and i'm cool with that.

so what do i have to add today? i don't know... i bit my my best friend's head off this morning out of frustration, and you can't ever take that back. so i feel awful. make a note - life doesn't have a rewind button. once you've said it, its out there. sometimes i don't think before i speak, and it gets the best of me later.

so, talk to me, people. what's on your mind??

is it friday yet?

2004-10-13T11:06:00.000-04:00

hi!

i'm brandi, and this is my 'blog'. until a couple of weeks ago, i had no idea what a 'blog' was. i want to go post some stuff on somebody's site...but i'll write more soon! let me know if you read this...i'd like to know who my first visitor is. my nickname is sparky - anyone care to guess what i do for a living???

Sparky's Thoughts

i'm not ignoring you...

if i were a boy

little house on fort hood

the move

the bottle

not so bright husband + smart ass wife = funny

addendum

the voice of reason

new icon for the hubster's myspace

update

my love is home

ack!

some people will do anything for a little spark

the man i'm proud to call my husband

stupid is as stupid does

renewed purpose

visit my 2005 blogs...

awards day

round five - DING!

wow - its been a hott minute

so where have i been?

i'm back i'm back i'm back

i'm still here

coming soon to a blog near you...

when?

:o)

my constant reminder

fighting for

here i am

well...

update

i just *had* to share

is it over yet?

woot!

road rage barbie

scenes from an aircraft

adios!

sit back and soak THIS up!

i will never forget

i surrender

lend a hand

zoiks!

love lost

here's your sign...or...scene from parent teacher night

scenes from a mall

stay tuned...

people...write this down...

i'm just so full of questions and observations

*sigh*

so...yeah...i have a question

pics, part 2

pics of the flight

five years ago today

remember our conversations and read between the lines

to the a**holes that live above me

the sting of a grateful american

holy moses!

blogging blues

for guy

courtesy of kelly clarkson

my occupation

ugh

*sigh* legless in ft worth *pout*

the plight of the legless frog

one pin

my voice

i wonder...

my skin

website

i'm the tooth fairy

random nothingness...or could it be something?

personal space vs. the prospect

i was attacked!

i miss back when

I AM SOOOOOOOOOO MAD!!!

i swam to work today

VOTE OR DIE...well, don't die, but don't complain if you don't like the way things are

today is the day!!!

kill me...please

i just had to share

sigh

sigh legless in ft worth pout